:) September 12, 2008

so im back from the DCE retreat and it was sooo incredibly wonderful to connect with old friends and some new ones. it helped me to refocus my life in ministry and to realize that if I’m not being fed spiritually, how can I feed others. Now this is a truth that i’ve known all along, but just never seem to constantly learn and live out. Hmm… maybe I should change that? yea… i think so….

I also discovered that I have over 200 pictures in my camera from the summer and I haven’t posted them anywhere, let alone gotten them off my camera! LOL. so you might be seeing some new pictures soon.

Oh… and once again, I love The Office. Season 4 is out on DVD. yes, I bought it. Yes, i’m watching it on netflix. and yes, i will watch it again once it finally arrives from Amazon.

Nighty night!

busyness, boundaries and breaths of fresh air September 7, 2008

Ok, so I love to make up my own words! HA!  Anyway.. this has been one hell of a week. Seriously. It sucked. in more ways than one. Like, nothing completely life ruining or anything like that, but just constantly going, no down time, no space from work or people, no sleep, way too much to do to prep for Education Sunday, plus house sitting for a smelly dog and a 16 year old girl!! SHEESH! How much can one girl take in 1 week? It was only a 3 day week for me but it felt DECADES longer. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in a week!! UGH!

I have discovered 3 major things this week though:

1. as much as I want a puppy… i do not want to deal with it right now. So no puppy. I will resort to being lonely, since I do not have the time, energy or money to put into a dog right now. despite how much i do want one.

2. I give props to all parents of teeangers. Especailly teenage girls! LOL. I love my kids, my teenagers, but I get to send them home at the end of the youth event! Parents have to deal with them ALL THE TIME! HOW DO YOU DO IT!?!?!?! LOL… I know that when theyr’e my own flesh and blood it’ll be different, but I am so NOT ready to be a parent. To a toddler, let alone a teenager. I want kids desperately (one day, obvisouly, after the man and all), but I kinda want them to stay between teh ages of 0 and 12. Once they hit 13, it goes downhill from there. I’ll pick up at 17 again. I can handle that maturity. I can even handle the Jr High age… its’ the high school drama, the bitchyness, the complicated schedules, the boys, the sex lives, ugh. It just makes me fear for my own children. Now this isn’t just from one person or observation. this is my overall observation of my own life, as well as the experiences I have in Youth Ministry.

3. I have no boundaries. Seriously. It sucks. I used to have them. I used to never bring work home with me, and I still don’t except on the rare occasion. However, now, it’s the fact that I have some very high maintenance youth who need a good helping of healthy parenting, and notice # 2 above, I’m not ready for that. I let them walk all over me and I can’t ever say no!! It sucks! How do I change that? I think I need to take a lesson from the good ol CSP internship reading list of 3 years ago and reread the Boundaries book! And maybe even Boundaries with Teenagers.  I didnt have any time to myself this week. I was more than happy to help others and house-dog-teenager sit. That’s fine. But I missed my own bed. I missed my apartment. My SPACE! My office became my safe haven, and thus my CALLING starting feeling like a job. A boring, mundane, pointless job under mounds of paperwork and prep for a busy fall youth ministry season.

Until I heard Pastor Alan’s sermon this morning. Our calling becomes a JOB when we fail to see God in it. When we fail to seek Him and read His Word DAILY (Hourly even!). When we don’t remember that it is because of Him and HIM ONLY that we have the gifts and talents to be called in that calling anyway! My faith is my life…literally. I’m a teacher of the faith. If I’m not being fed spiritually myself, then how can I expect to see results in my youth as they are being fed by me?? It’s like an empty well trying to water a newly planted field! There’s no water to share since the well itself isn’t being replenished by it’s Master-Creator. That’s been me lately. It’s kinda funny though: last monday I started a new bible study. It has been MONTHS since i’ve done that. I occasionally pick up my Bible and read a few verses/chapters here and there, if there’s something I’m interested in exploring. But for me, reading my bible on a daily basis had become more of a chore and something that I didn’t do too often. So what happens when a chore is neglected? The trash piles up, the laundry gets stinky, and the bugs move in. Yup. that was me. So when I started the new bible study this week, exploring the pslams and keeping a Bible study journal with my thoughts and answers to the questions of the study, i thought that I would have an excellent week since i began each day in God’s Word and in prayer. WRONG! It takes a hellish week, even in the Word daily, to make you realize that you need God more than ever in those weeks. Imagine how much mroe horrific my week would/could have been had I not been in the Word at all! i shudder at that thought. So because of this, i intend to complete this study, it’s every week day for 6 weeks exploring a number of different psalms. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for my heart, my head, my emotions, my spirit and my life. He is the greatest Creator-Father-Master- Lover in the Universe and it is because of HIM that I have survived this week. And yet, I continue to need him desperately still and cling to Him always.

Here’s a bit of Bethany Dillon that truly expresses how I feel today…

All I Need by Bethany Dillon

When the day is done
And there’s no one else around
While I’m lying here in bed
You’re in my heart, You’re in my head
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You’re the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I’m surrounded
You are all I need if I’m by myself
You fill me when I’m empty
There is nothing else
You’re all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There’s a fire in my bones
I’m not afraid to go alone
You’re all I need
You’re all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You’re still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You’re all I need
You’re all I need

I’m drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

test August 16, 2008

ok, so I’m just testing how to insert pictures into posts here. Hmmm….. let’s see if this works! This is a pic of my brother Matt, me and his wife, Dianne at my graduation from Concordia University, St Paul, MN in May 2007.

Olympics and Music August 12, 2008

ok, so I LOVE the Olympics. I’ve decided that no matter what I do in the next 4 years, I’m totally going to the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Seriously. I can’t wait! I’ve always wanted to go to London and this gives me a great opportunity to do that! YAY! I am so in awe of Michael Phelps right now. What an absolute HOTTIE! WOWIE! hahaha…so yeah, i’ll update with cool clips from the olympics the next few days. Below you’ll find the link to a video of the 4×100m men’s relay. INCREDIBLE FINISH! What’s your favorite part of the Olympic Games?

http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/share.html?videoid=0811_HD_SWB_HL_L0194

So yeah…. besides that, I’ve done some exploring of some new music lately. I LOVE MEREDITH ANDREWS! She’s amazing. I have one of her really good songs on my myspace page Annie’s Myspace or Meredith Andrews Myspace… so yeah… check that out… is there any new music that you’ve discovered that you enjoy? I’d love to hear it!

oh! I forgot! August 7, 2008

here’s the link to the interview that Steven Curtis Chapman and his family gave to Robin Roberts from Good Morning America. It was on tv this morning. It’s fantastic. I just wish they would have stated WHAT they have faith in… they attribute their forgiveness through the grief to their faith, but they never actually say what their faith is in, specifically (such as the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ on teh cross when he bore our sins for salvation and conquered death in the resurrection 3 days later!)

don’t forget to watch the whole family on Larry King Live on CNN tomorrow night (Thursday, 8/07, 6pm Pacific)

Ruin Me August 7, 2008

ok so it’s 12:25am thursday morning and I just got home from seeing the new Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. Freaking incredible. much more mature, but incredibly well written and acted. this makes me want to read the rest of the books! but besides that, it makes me want toreevaluate my life. I’ve been thinking about that alot lately. There are alot of things i need to change. Here’s just a short list: forgive others, forgive myself, dive deeper daily into God’s Word, have a life (a REAL life) outside my job and my apartment, go back to therapy (despite how terrified that makes me), lose 75 pounds (and be healthy), give up my starbucks addiction before i contract type 2 diabetes at the age of 25 (or have a heart attack), be REAL with my kids, stop lying to myself that everything is fine, and a whole slew of other things.

there’s something about seeing a movie that you can connect and relate to what the characters are going through in one way or another, even if it’s indirectly. there’s something to be said about a well acted film that’s cheesy and unrealistic in love, and yet how true that can be in it’s own. i believe in love. i believe that there is a wonderful, Godly man out there that God has chosen for me. I don’t know what’s taking God so long in presenting him to me, but I know he’s out there somewhere. I have to believe that. I can’t live my life and not believe in that kind of all consuming, wonderful, life-giving love that one person can have for another. But that’s where faith comes in. I already have that love. Jesus already did that for me on the cross. Why is it so hard for me to be reminded of that every day? I should be thankful, not resentful. ok, so i’m not resentful of Christ’s sacrifice, of course not, but I’m not always thankful as I should be either. we take it for granted. yes, that life-giving love has already accomplished my eterenal salvation, but what about companionship and romance and friendship and LOVE here on earth? don’t I deserve both? or am I only given one, because of my past mistakes? are my past mistakes ruining my chances at love? are they ruining my chances at happiness? are they ruining me?

see why i need therapy? i can’t deal with these questions on my own anymore.

there’s a song by the Jeff Johnson Band called, Ruin Me. here’s a sampling:

Ruin me
Woe to Me
I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see You seated on Your throne
Exalted
Your glory surrounds You
Now the plans that I’ve made
Fail to compare when I see Your glory

Refrain
Ruin my life
The plans that I’ve made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
Till it’s You alone I live for
You alone I live for….

makes you think, huh?

year books August 3, 2008

have you ever had one of those moments where you think “Is this really my life? is this where i saw myself being 10 years ago?”

i had that moment today. I was cleaning my guest bedroom in my apartment and I came across my old high school year books. I opened them and was reading and then it hit me. 10 years ago this fall I was a freshman in high school. I was starting the worst 4 years of my life. I was just a baby in life then. tear. lol… just seriously. I just had this moment today where I kept thinking if this is really where I wanted to be 10 years ago, and what would I change if i could. oh goodness. there is no clear answer to these questions.

well, i guess that no. this isn’t where I thought I would be 10 years ago. and yet, yes, it is. I knew as a 9th grader exploring the Concordia St Paul website that I wanted to get my degree from that university and I knew that I wanted to be a DCE or in ministry of some kind, whether it be professional or just a part of my life outside a career. I knew those things. And those things happened. I went to CSP, i spent 4 amazingly wonderful and traumatic years there. I learned more than I can even begin to describe. i am now a DCE doing mostly youth ministry and bits and pieces of other things. for this, I am glad. for this, i am thankful. for this… I am content. I do love what I am doing…most days. the past 2 months have been so incredibly chaotic that I can’t even think straight, let alone breathe. So getting sick and being down for the count for over 2 weeks was definitely God telling me to slow down and take a break and take care of myself. i don’t do that often enough.

this isn’t where i wanted to be 10 years ago because I’m not happy with me. yes, I’m happy with my job and my career and my professional life, but I’m not happy with ME. I have no social life. I don’t really have a hobby anymore. I’m overweight and definitely not happy about it. I’m single and DEFINITELY not content with my love life. I’d love to make more money and I’m DEFINITELY in debt over my head.

the hard part is this: i honestly think, that if i had the opportunity to change the past 10 years and do it all differently…. i wouldn’t change a thing. i wouldn’t change my majors or my academic track in college, i wouldn’t change my internship experience, i wouldn’t change sophomore year of college where a friend was raped in her dorm room across the hall where i slept. Of course i wish the awful, horrendous, traumatic things never would have happened. of course. But I also learned from all of them. I become a healthier person. I became a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better teacher and a better DCE because of it. Life gives you experiences that, good and bad, they teach you something. you may not always learn from your mistakes, but you definitely change somehow because of them. I wouldn’t change the growth that I’ve seen in myself.

if you meet the high school freshman Annie of 1998 and then the 2nd year DCE Annie of 2008, you wouldn’t recognize me back then. i’m a completely different person now, and for good reasons. I still have my personality and my littel quirks that we all have since birth, but I’m just… different. I’m cooler now. hahahha. as lame and self-centered and shallow as that sounds, it’s true. it just comes with age and life experience. I’ll be even cooler when I’m 34, 10 years from now.I think my biggest thing is that I don’t want to live my life with regrets. there are only 2 things I regret in my life right now, but I’ve seeked forgiveness for one and I’ve given forgiveness for the other. So my heart is at peace. But from this moment on, I don’t ever want to look back on my life and see regret or struggles or hardships that I resent. I want to see those struggles and trials as experiences that God allowed me to go through to learn something. to learn about myself, about my world, about my community, and most importantly, to learn more and grow closer to my God. For that, i have no regrets.

Twilight August 2, 2008

ok, so there’s this new book series, well, it’s not really new, but it’s new to me, called ‘Twilight’. It’s about this guy who’s a vampire and how he falls in love with the one person that he must drink her blood. creepy. i’ve never been into vampire stories before, but this one is HUGE in youth culture today, so i thought that i might read it and see what all the hype is all about. I’m on chapter 2 and so far i’m intrigued. I dont know if i would recommend this to my youth. that’s the problem. that when i read a book i want to recommend it. i want to recommend it and still preserve some of my Christian church-worker integrity as I do so. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that with this book. Now, i’m still going to read it and finish it and maybe read the sequels. But I’ll have to separate Annie-the-reader-and-lover-of-good-books from Annie-the-DCE-who-needs-to-recommend-parent-friendly-positive-fiction to her teenagers. There’s a difference there. Is that contradictory? I don’t know. Hmmm….. but yeah… I’ll read it until i find a MAJOR objection with the content or the creepiness of the vampire story. they do freak me out.

ear infections July 30, 2008

hello again! this is day two of the new blog and I think i like this thing!

ok, so i’ve been sick for the past 11 days. this seriously stinks. I have a double ear infection and mild tonsilitis. Seriously, the pain is awful. especially in my ears!! but at least I’m on antibiotics, right? they seem to be helping. today is by far my best day in these 11 days. i have more energy and i’m not nearly as tired. plus i seem to be back on my brain game. This illness has taken it out of me! I couldn’t think or talk straight and it was sooooo annoying!

now, along with this ear infection is the lack of hearing in my right ear. it hasn’t “popped” from altitude or anything else since I was on a plane last Friday coming home from vacation in St Louis. It hurt like the dickens then and I know that whenever it does decided to pop, it’ll hurt then! But, because it hasn’t popped, it feels like its plugged up. like a huge wad of cotton is stuck in the ear preventing any sound from entering my ear and flowing to my brain for processing. So, it feels like I’m deaf. which sucks. But, i must say, that when you’re confronted with the question of if you’d rather be blind or deaf, i definitely have to say that i would rather be deaf. I can handle being deaf. I can handle not being able to hear. it would suck not to hear music, but it would be ok, since I already know how to talk. being deaf and mute, yeah, i couldn’t handle that. but, i honestly cannont imagine life without my eye sight. Can you imagine not being able to see the beauty of Yosemite Valley as you drive through the tunnel? not seeing your husbands face? not seeing the joy of your children as they grow and learn and become? not seeing the nature that God created? not seeing love? seriously… talk about something that would suck. so, let’s just say that I have a whole new appreciation for my eye sight, and my hearing. I don’t want to be deaf, mind you, but if i could still sing. and somehow have someone tell me if i’m singing the right notes, that would be ok. But, i don’t ever want to be blind and not SEE the glory of God that surrounds me.

so what do you think? Deaf or blind?

joy July 29, 2008

Ok, so many of you know that on May 21st of this year, the family of Christian recording artist, Steven Curtis Chapman, suffered a heart breaking tragedy. Here’s the official press release from his website.

MARIA SUE CHAPMAN, DAUGHTER OF STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN, DIES IN ACCIDENT AT FAMILY HOME NASHVILLE, TN…5/21/08… At approximately 5pm on the afternoon of Wednesday May 21st, Maria Sue Chapman, 5 years old and the youngest daughter to Steven and Mary Beth Chapman was struck in the driveway of the Chapman home in Franklin, TN. Maria was rushed to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital in Nashville, transported by LifeFlight, but died of her injuries there. Maria is one of the close knit family’s six children and one of their three adopted daughters.

More than five years ago, Chapman and his wife MaryBeth founded The Shaohannah’s Hope Ministry after bringing their first adopted daughter, Shaohannah, home from China. The ministry’s goal is to help families reduce the financial barrier of adoption, and has provided grants to over 1700 families wishing to adopt orphans from around the world. Chapman is a five-time GRAMMY ® winner and 54-time Dove Award winning artist who has sold over 10 million albums and garnered 44 No. 1 singles

tragic…. just awful! I can’t imagine losing my own child in this way. Will Franklin has to be hurting sooooo badly. I can’t imagine what he must be feeling.

Well, in the recent months and weeks since this tragedy, the family has been doing some amazing things. Steven and his sons (Will Franklin (17) is the drummer, and Caleb (18 ) is a guitarist) have gone back on the road doing the summer festivals and shows. They have been able to share some amazing stories of faith and the grace of God despite our grief. I am constantly in awe of this family and how they are sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the good news of Salvation and eternal life in Him, to a whole new audience of people through this tragedy. Maria’s life is certainly not in vain.  Here’s a few YouTube clips of what Steven said at  his recent concert appearances, just about 6 weeks after losing Maria.

wow. i mean. WOW. seriously. Who does that?? Who can go back on stage 6 weeks after losing a child, and still be able to proclaim the goodness and grace and Gospel of our Savior? Only a man of great faith. Only a man that is standing on the strength of the Strong One. Only a man who knows loss, and yet knows an even greater joy. Joy in the Lord through knowing that Maria is safe in the arms of her Savior. WOW.

This story continues to inspire me in my daily walk of faith. Faith isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy. It’s not an easy journey to walk in faith knowing that life is short and our culture and world and society tells us NOT to believe in an eternal loving and life-giving Savior.  I am daily reminded as I read the updates from Jim Houser, SCC’s manager, that life is short, but I know that when God calls me home, I can rest assured in the presence of His arms and love. I am a redeemed Child of God. I am a loved Daughter of the Almighty King. I am a forgiven person. And because of that, I can have joy.

it is my prayer for you, that you too would meet and see and believe and know the almighty love of your Almighty Savior.