Trusting blindly… November 3, 2009

 

do you trust me??

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re blowing things way out of proportion and you don’t really know how to change your perspective?  Well, I’m there. Lately, God has been teaching me all about trust and stepping out in faith to let Him be in control. He’s been asking me if I trust Him. Now, I’ve talked about this a number of times. I am a serious control freak when it comes to my own life. Not necessarily my job though. If there is someone at work who can do something I’m doing better, go for it. I’m all for them taking it on. But when it comes to my life: love, family, home, etc, it has to be my way. I am very detail oriented, pretty much all the time anyway, but this is exacerbated when I feel like I am no longer in control of something. It’s kind of annoying actually. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Anyway, so I have this offer to live in someone else’s home, rent free, for a few months, before the buyers of their home move in after their house sells. This is a great offer! I can live somewhere for free and not have to worry about paying rent! I save money to buy my own home soon! What a blessing this is! It’s kind of funny how this happened, actually. I’ve been searching for a home for almost a year now. We haven’t found anything that I love that’s in my price range and isn’t snatched up by someone else almost immediately upon my discovery of it. I’ve been very down and just done with the whole process. So I’ve finally turned it over to God completely. I should have done it much much much sooner. But in my stubbornness,  I didn’t.  So yesterday, in staff devotions I asked for prayers for me and the housing process. And what happens a mere 4 hours later? A phone call with this rent free house offer. Seriously. No joke. There are no coincidences, only God incidences.

Now, as a result of this offer, I’ve been kinda apprehensive. I can’t place why. It hits me that it all goes back to my biggest fear: being alone. I don’t want to buy a house by myself. I don’t want to move by myself. I don’t want to have to deal with change by myself. I actually prayed this morning that God would give me a man so I wouldn’t have to be alone. Seriously. How pathetic is that? I don’t need a guy to deal with life. The man I marry should be someone who enhances my life, not necessarily someone who completes it. Remember Jerry Maguire, and that scene in the elevator with the deaf couple who are signing that he “completes me”. Ugh… seriously, no. I don’t need a guy to complete me. I only need God to complete me. And when He’s really complete with me will be the day that He comes back or when He calls me to my heavenly home.

I think my mom was right when she told me the other day that I need to grow up, be mature and make a decision on my own. So what if I’m out of my comfort zone for a few months. So what if I have to deal with myself and be alone for a while longer. So what if I actually save money, grow up, become and adult and make my life my own.  I remember in high school my phsychology teacher telling me that at some point, usually after high school, before college, we all need to “make the break”. That means that we all need to break away from our family and childhood and high school lives and move on and become adults and grow up. We need to cut the umbilical cord.  yeah, well, this is even more true for me. My family is very close to me.  For the most part of my life, I have consulted them in pretty much every major decision I’ve ever made. They help me see things from a different perspective. They show me love unconditionally even when i do stupid things. My family is always there for me and I am incredibly grateful for that. I don’t think that they can necessarily cut the umbilical cord. I think that I need to.  I think that I need to grow up. I think in a way, they’ve already done so. they’re just waiting on me to do it. I don’t think it’ll ever be completely severed until I do get married and have a family of my own, whenever that may be. But I can still grow up and use the experiences and opportunities that God is placing in my path as a way to move on and work through this and to grow up some.

I usually tell my kids to grow up and get over it. And sometimes I need a dose of my own advice. Sometimes, I need to trust God blindly, even when I don’t know what’s around the corner. Sometimes I need to listen for His voice and ignore my own, so that I can see the greatness of His plan for my life. Sometimes I need to take a risk (even when I really don’t want to) and step out in faith, and focus on what’s beyond the blindfold. The light at the end of the tunnel. There is something greater out there, and I know that Jesus has my back. I know that His plan is and will always be so much better than my own. I need to not focus on the blindfold, but focus on the Leader.

So God…lead me…mold me…direct me…comfort me…heal me…protect me…provide for me…guide me…and love me… because you are God and I am not. You are in control and it is in you that I place my trust. Remind me of who YOU are and what YOU are doing in my life every day. Help me to SEE you always and to forget my doubts. Help me to not focus on the blindfold, but to the focus on you, my leader…for you go before me in life and in death. Amen

teenagers and boundaries March 1, 2009

So once upon a time there was once this thing called propriety. hahahaha… maybe i’ve been watching too many Jane Austen movies based off her books! Anyway, there was a way to behave in public with your “significant other” or “intended” or “betrothed”. Well it seems like the 21st century has blown those rulse out of the water. Seriously. When did teenagers not understand that there are things that you cannot do during youth group? Like… sit on your boyfriends lap. or leave Bible Study without telling anyone. or be in your girlfriends tent in her sleeping bag on a camping trip? SERIOUSLY people! when did parents stop doing their job and teaching their kids how to behave with members of the opposite sex? are parents ill-equipped to deal with these things? or are they just blind? I love my kids to death (and granted, not all of the above has happened, but it’s possible!!! I was exaggerating a bit!) but sometimes I hate having to be their youth leader and their parent. Sometimes it’s just annoying to have to be almost 25 years old and parenting a bunch of 17 year old babies!!!!

ugh. Oh well… i guess it comes with experience, huh? in how you deal with these situations??? What words do you say to a 17 year old girl or a 15 year old boy, who really do not know how to behave in church or youth group or public with their bf/gf?? Any advice?

My List January 25, 2009

Have you ever really contemplated your life? Like, is this all there is? What if I do absolutely nothing spectacular with my life. What if my dreams go completely unfulfilled? What will make my life “complete”?

Well, I contemplate them quite often. I’m always wondering where God is leading me next and if what I’m doing is really what He wants me to be doing. I get so angry and upset when things don’t go the way I planned them or the way I dreamed them happening. I couldn’t sleep tonight, it’s now almost 1am, and as I was watching PS I Love You tonight and that movie, within 15 minutes, ALWAYS makes me cry. But it also makes me think. Hilary Swank’s character “Holly” is such a planner and a controller that she feels she always needs a plan. I can so relate! I’m always making plans for myself and dreams for my future. I always have a task list of things to do each day. Some days they’re more important that they be completed, and others not. So after watching most of this movie that I love, I’ve decided to resurrect my “List” of things I want for my life, and put it up for anyone to see. This is a glimpse into who I am and what I want most of this one life that God has blessed me with. They are in so specific order. Just things I want to do, see, experience, feel, live and be.

1. I want to know what it feels like to fall in love; to love and be loved in return. Not the love of my Savior, because Jesus already shows me that kind of love through His death and resurection, but the love of a man, a spouse, someone to share my life with and start a family with.

2. I want to travel: I have always wanted to travel around the world. Ever since I was in French 1 in High School, and even more so after I went to France when I was 17. I want to go to London, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Russia, China, Taiwan, Thailand, Africa, Prague, Sweden, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, Auckland, Hawaii… I want to experience being at the top of the Eiffel Tower and looking as far as I can out on the brilliant beauty of Paris. I want to experience the joy of seeing a pack of kangaroos hop across the Australian outback wilderness. I want to stand on the moors of England where Emily Bronte imagined Wuthering Heights. I want to feel the irish wind in my hair as I stand atop the cliffs of Galway soaking in the sunshine. I want to see the great and beautiful earth that my Creator designed.

3. I want a family. I want to have children. yes, I already have names picked out, but I know they will change. I want to see them grow up and learn about Jesus in Sunday School and wrestle with their faith and understand the ultimate sacrifice their Savior paid for them. I want to see them get married and have families of their own.

4. I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I want him to be healthy enough to see me and give me away to the love of my life. I want to be able to dance with him at the reception. I want my Daddy to see his grandchildren and meet them and get to know them. I never knew my mom’s father, who died shortly after they were married. I want my kids to know who their grandpa is and how much he loves them and how he is an incredible man of God, with many gifts and talents and so much life left to live.

5. I want to see my students grow in their faith. I want to be at a church long enough to see them wrestle, grow and mature in their faith, to be spiritual leaders in their families and future congregations. I want them to be able to internalize their faith and truly see what grace and mercy and peace and trust is all about. I want them to not just know, but believe, to the core of their being that Jesus Christ, true man and wholly God, died on the cross to forgive them of their sins, and rose from the dead to conquer sin and death. To truly get it. I want to be there to see the lightbulb come on.

6. I want my best friend to continue to follow her heart and soul in ministry. I want her to be near me, yes, of course, but i know that’s not where God wants her. I want her to follow God’s lead and his direction, as she always has.  I want her to continue to see what amazing things God is doing in her heart and through her talent and desire to share the Good News with the world.

7. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight and be healthy and look healthy, inside and out. I don’t want to have to worry about my health any more. I don’t want to have regrets that I die at a young age because I didn’t care of myself when I should have. I want to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally.

8. I want to eat more chocolate a (but without the guilt! hahahah) nd life live to the fullest.

9. I want to write a book. A novel about faith and life and love and what it truly means to me, to be a child of God. A book from my heart, that hopefully will touch the heart of someone else.

10. I want eliminate all addictions from my life: Starbucks, facebook, whatever. Just get rid of them so that they are no longer true addictions. Obviously, these are not major addictions, but still. It gets in between me and my Lord, and that’s not good.

11. I want to begin and end my day with complete trust and knowledge that God is in control. I usually start my day like this, but it tends to waver throughout the course of the day. I want to know and trust no matter what. I know that I’m not in control, despite how much I might want to be.  I want my own faith life to continue to grow and mature with what it means to have someone die for me. To have God die in my place. Because that’s what He did, and sometimes it all seems a little too surreal. But it happened. I know that to the core of my being.  I want to fully and wholly, completely and unrelentingly, gratefully and changingly, give my entire being over to my Savior. Of course, this is a daily occurance, and as scripture says, we daily die to sin and live a new life in Christ. Each day He gives us a new lease on life, because it’s another day that we get to live and love and show others His love. I want to show that kind of love to others, and not be as sinful and prideful and selfish as I am.

So there… that’s a glimpse into some of the many things that I want out of life. Of course, there are more. But that should give you a little tidbit.

May the Lord of life and love, the Creator of the Universe, the Father of all Nations, the Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, guide you and bless you, lead you and forgive you, love you and daily remind you of the love He has for you. May you continue to open your heart and mind to what He tells you and shows you and teaches you and blesses you. Amen.

Immanuel…God With Us December 8, 2008

“Oh Immanuel, God With Us

Spirit Revealed in us,

That we may be Your Hope to the world

Oh Immanuel, God with us,

A Light to break the darkness

That we may show Your Hope to the world

Immanuel, be God with us!”

Wow..what a strong proclamation. What a statement of faith. Immanuel. God is with us. Jesus. here. on Earth. He came as a little baby. A mere man. But no… he wasn’t just a man. He was divine. He was Immanuel. God WITH US. God IN US. Jesus resides in my heart and because of Him I know I have eternal life. Because of a little babe, who had humble beginnings, and a tragic, yet glorious ending.  He lived, loved and died full of glory, majesty and compassion. Wow. What a life. What a God we love and serve!!

I am so thankful to be able to proclaim that I love my Lord, Jesus Christ. Seriously. I have life. I have a heart that beats (usually in a regular rhythm!), a brain that works (most of the time!), a love for people, and a passion for Jesus. It is because of Him that I exist. And yet, why do I still have such anxious thoughts and busyness plaguing my heart and soul. I’ve recently realized how much my life is filled with constant anxiety about one thing or another. Finances, family, my health, my weight, my lack of a love life, my friends, my youth, my church family, my career, God’s plan for my life.  This anxiety can be overwhelming to say the least. But I think I have also realized that most of what I’m anxious about, I have absolutely no control over. I can’t worry about where God wants me, because He will make it known to me in His time. I can’t stress over being single, because He will guide me to the man He wants me to be with in HIS TIME. Not my own. There are some things that I just cannot control, by my own strength. He will guide and direct me. I need to take my own advice and let it go and pray about it and let it go. Leave it at the foot of the cross. He will not abandon me to the depths. He will give me rest. He always does. Because He loves me. And I love Him in return. Because He first loved us.

As you know, i love exploring new music. My 2 favorite songs this Christmas are  “Immanuel God With Us“, by Point of Grace,which is excerpted above, and MercyMe’s “Joseph’s Lullaby“. Amazing. Click on the songs above and you’ll get video of them that I found on YouTube. Enjoy. And Merry Christmas.

Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser and other musical snacks October 3, 2008

here’s Brooke Fraser with Shadowfeet:

here’s Meredith Andrews with You’re Not Alone:

Here’s Brandon Heath with Give Me Your Eyes:

Here’s a clip from Fireproof! An AWESOME MOVIE!! GO SEE IT!! 

Here’s Warren Barfield’s Love is Not a Fight, which is in the movie Fireproof:

Here’s John Waller’s While I’m Waiting:

New Music! October 3, 2008

Ok, so its been a while since i posted on here! Life has been so busy i can’t even begin to explain that! Anywya… ive been exploring alot of new music lately. I’ve spent way too much money on itunes, but i cant help it! I needed it! LOL! )

Ok, so here’s some of my newest music discoveries:

John Waller: The Blessing…. AMAZING! I love the song While I’m Waiting. It’s my new life theme. Seriously. It’s insanely good. Insightful lyrics with catchy tunes.

Meredith Andrews: The Invitation. I’ve always loved her, but this is just beautiful. Mellow and poignant at times and catchy and upbeat at others. Makes you think. I like it

Brooke Fraser: Albertine… her song Shadowfeet is AWESOME! I can’t stop singing it and it’s truly how i feel about my relationship with Christ right now. Seriously, it’s just wonderful. I’ve posted the video to Shadowfeet on here. I love it

Brandon Heath: What If We… his 1st CD was awesome and this one is excellent as well. I love the song Give Me Yoru Eyes.. about how how he wants God to give us His eyes to see the brokenhearted and to see things around us that we’re usually too busy to notice. I love it!

Lincoln Brewster: This is the Day… awesome Worship leader! I’ll get to see him at the National Youth Workers convention next week. I can’t wait!!!

Joel Auge… i saw him at Bayside last week and he’s incredible. His song Out on the Blue is wonderful! LOVE IT!

So that’s a recap. Check it out for yourself. Myspace is my favorite place to go and listen to new music for free, and you get teh whole song. Go to these artists’ sites. Enjoy!

In other news… the weather is finally turning into fall!!! YAY! its raining today and that makes me very very happy!

:) September 12, 2008

so im back from the DCE retreat and it was sooo incredibly wonderful to connect with old friends and some new ones. it helped me to refocus my life in ministry and to realize that if I’m not being fed spiritually, how can I feed others. Now this is a truth that i’ve known all along, but just never seem to constantly learn and live out. Hmm… maybe I should change that? yea… i think so….

I also discovered that I have over 200 pictures in my camera from the summer and I haven’t posted them anywhere, let alone gotten them off my camera! LOL. so you might be seeing some new pictures soon.

Oh… and once again, I love The Office. Season 4 is out on DVD. yes, I bought it. Yes, i’m watching it on netflix. and yes, i will watch it again once it finally arrives from Amazon.

Nighty night!

test August 16, 2008

ok, so I’m just testing how to insert pictures into posts here. Hmmm….. let’s see if this works! This is a pic of my brother Matt, me and his wife, Dianne at my graduation from Concordia University, St Paul, MN in May 2007.

oh! I forgot! August 7, 2008

here’s the link to the interview that Steven Curtis Chapman and his family gave to Robin Roberts from Good Morning America. It was on tv this morning. It’s fantastic. I just wish they would have stated WHAT they have faith in… they attribute their forgiveness through the grief to their faith, but they never actually say what their faith is in, specifically (such as the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ on teh cross when he bore our sins for salvation and conquered death in the resurrection 3 days later!)

don’t forget to watch the whole family on Larry King Live on CNN tomorrow night (Thursday, 8/07, 6pm Pacific)

Ruin Me August 7, 2008

ok so it’s 12:25am thursday morning and I just got home from seeing the new Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. Freaking incredible. much more mature, but incredibly well written and acted. this makes me want to read the rest of the books! but besides that, it makes me want toreevaluate my life. I’ve been thinking about that alot lately. There are alot of things i need to change. Here’s just a short list: forgive others, forgive myself, dive deeper daily into God’s Word, have a life (a REAL life) outside my job and my apartment, go back to therapy (despite how terrified that makes me), lose 75 pounds (and be healthy), give up my starbucks addiction before i contract type 2 diabetes at the age of 25 (or have a heart attack), be REAL with my kids, stop lying to myself that everything is fine, and a whole slew of other things.

there’s something about seeing a movie that you can connect and relate to what the characters are going through in one way or another, even if it’s indirectly. there’s something to be said about a well acted film that’s cheesy and unrealistic in love, and yet how true that can be in it’s own. i believe in love. i believe that there is a wonderful, Godly man out there that God has chosen for me. I don’t know what’s taking God so long in presenting him to me, but I know he’s out there somewhere. I have to believe that. I can’t live my life and not believe in that kind of all consuming, wonderful, life-giving love that one person can have for another. But that’s where faith comes in. I already have that love. Jesus already did that for me on the cross. Why is it so hard for me to be reminded of that every day? I should be thankful, not resentful. ok, so i’m not resentful of Christ’s sacrifice, of course not, but I’m not always thankful as I should be either. we take it for granted. yes, that life-giving love has already accomplished my eterenal salvation, but what about companionship and romance and friendship and LOVE here on earth? don’t I deserve both? or am I only given one, because of my past mistakes? are my past mistakes ruining my chances at love? are they ruining my chances at happiness? are they ruining me?

see why i need therapy? i can’t deal with these questions on my own anymore.

there’s a song by the Jeff Johnson Band called, Ruin Me. here’s a sampling:

Ruin me
Woe to Me
I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see You seated on Your throne
Exalted
Your glory surrounds You
Now the plans that I’ve made
Fail to compare when I see Your glory

Refrain
Ruin my life
The plans that I’ve made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
Till it’s You alone I live for
You alone I live for….

makes you think, huh?