Where’s my easy button? July 25, 2009

Seriously, where is my easy button? Where’s the easy button that says “Oh, you want a house for a reasonable price, nice area, good interest rate, doable mortgage payment, minimal repairs needed? Here it is!” Where’s the easy button that says “Oh, you have a student who’s depressed and needs a friend?” Poof! here’s the friend and life is happy again! Where’s the easy button that says “Oh, you want to meet a good Christian guy the real way and have a friendship in person prior to marriage?” Here he is!

Really….where is the easy button? why can’t there be an easy button in life? Why does life have to be so frustrating, complicated, technical, analytical and annoying? Seriously! I’m so frustrated with this cond0-buying process. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why do there have to be so many fees? Why can’t you just find what you want, like it, and buy it??? Let’s take the middlemen and all of the other people out of the process. lets make it simple again. Like in the 1800s when you just found an empty house and paid the bank for it. It was simple then. Life was simple then. Of course, you didn’t have running water or toilets unless you were incredibly wealthy, and electricity is nice too. But I digress…

An easy button to our every complicated situation would be nice, wouldn’t it? It would be REALLY nice. But in reality, that’s just not how life works. There is no easy button. I think God has us go through these challenging times to teach us things. Sometimes, I don’t always approve of His teaching methods, but at the same time, I can’t necessarily argue with Him either, since He’s God. I know that He’s the One in charge of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it all the time. I want an easy button, but it doesn’t exist, so therefore, what can I do to help myself learn from these situations and experiences and grow through them?

For one, I can do the research on buying a house. I know what I want, I know what I can afford. I can not get my hopes up on something outside my price range. I can ask my Realtor to do their job and get me the info, rather than let me do all the work. I can not argue with my dad over these petty things when he has more important things to worry a bout at the moment. I can seek counsel from others when in a situation over my head. I can pray. I can rely on the One who created me to lead me through these frustrating, complicated, annoying, challenging moments of life. And more importantly, I can make Jesus my easy button. He’s the one who loved me enough to die for me. So I can let him take my burdens. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.He’s the One who’s already written my story, not just my love story, but my entire book. He’s got me planned and prepared and He’ll daily continue to do so. I just have to let Him. I have to let go of myself and let Him reign in me. It’s not easy, not by any means. But that’s not what life’s about…being easy. It’s about being real, and being wise and discerning through the most difficult of days. It’s about remaining true to yourself and reminding yourself of God’s leadership and Lordship over your time, your desires, and your life.

Lord, take this burden from me. Guide me and lead me. Captivate me. Captivate my heart and mind, soul and strength. Help me to love you with all that is within me. Lead me to your truths and to your path. Remind me of the path that you have chosen for me. Remind me of the calling that you so desperately placed in my heart. Help me to do your Will, in all ways. In Your Name, Amen.

Oh, and I liked this.

it’s been a while… May 26, 2009

Wow.. has it really been almost 3 months since I’ve written on here? I’ve thought about blogging sooooo many times lately, but just never get around to it. It’s funny because so many things perk my interest and I think to myself “Hmm..i should write a blog about this”… but I don’t. And now, I can’t even really remember what they are!!! Oh well…

So lately, I’ve been thinking alot about the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’ve never wanted to go through life with regrets. I don’t have many, thankfully, but I have some. I’ve hurt some people unintentionally and intentionally that make me feel awful now, thinking about how I’ve treated some people in the past. And thinking that maybe some of my own issues are my own fault. Maybe I’m single because I really don’t want to be in a relationship. But that’s not true, because I do! I want to get married and have the big wedding and have a family. But I guess what I’m saying is that I’m more content to truly wait for the right one. Wait on God’s timing rather than jump the gun a bit and go on my own choosing. I’ve met some great guys lately, but none of them are really…for me. At least not yet. But I don’t know when the right time is, or who the right one is. And I’m truly more content than ever to truly WAIT patiently. I think that God is definitely teaching me a lesson on patience and control right now. Self control that I need to have more of, and less of a need to control everything else. Because when I control things and get my way, it tends to backfire in my face and hurt not only me but many others in the process. So, I’m sorry.

Ok, on a different note, but still connected…Does anyone out there watch Jon and Kate plus 8 on TLC?? The season premiere was last night and as I was watching it, my heart literally broke in pieces for this family. It’s so sad to watch. Jon and Kate are a couple in PA who have 8 year old twin girls and 5 year old sextuplets. I’ve loved the show up until the end of last season that just got…weird. Jon and Kate are having some serious marital issues, and every time I watch I just want to tell them to get into Christian marriage counseling as SOON AS POSSIBLE! They need it! They can still salvage their marriage. I don’t think that any marriage is truly DONE and over with, even at divorce, especially with kids involved. God designed marriage to be FOR LIFE. Now, I’m not saying that divorce is totally wrong, because it’s not. I see many situations where divorce is clearly the only alternative to eternal suffering and pain through emotional, phsyical abuse or whatever. I get that. But at the same time, these two people clearly loved each other at one point in time. Wasn’t it just a season ago that they went to Hawaii to renew their marriage vows? I loved that episode. It spoke of how they were truly willing to sacrifice for each other and their children. But now, all I see is true selfishness. It’s time to show  us that sacrifice.  Jon said he “needed a break for the weekend”… excuse me??? You don’t get a break from parenting! Kate, I appreciate that you’ve been dealing with this for over 6 months, but stop playing the martyr and the victim. An affair and a divorce NEVER comes from just one side. Both sides contribute. Jon and Kate are consumed with fame and fortune and doing “the right thing for their kids”, which they think is continuing the show to gain a substantial income and financially provide for them. I have a feeling that even if they ended the show, Jon got a job and Kate and continued to write books and go on the occasional book tour, they’d still be set financially. But they spend their money on sportscars (did you see the one Jon got out of at the park?) and expensive trendy clothes. I know that they want the best, but there comes a point, especially in this economy that the best thing to do for your children, your family, YOUR MARRIAGE, is to stop being in front of America and truly focus on your marriage. The best thing for these kids are two healthy parents who clearly love each other and positively communicate it in front of their children. Nothing changes family dynamics and the health of the children in the future more than two consistent, Godly, positive, loving parents. So here’s my advice: get marriage counseling, separate and together, to really work out your issues. Don’t use the couch and interviews on the show to be your “therapy time”. Get your kids into counseling, because pretty soon they’re gonna know everything that’s going on (as if they don’t already), and are going to feel like your potential separation and divorce is their fault. Jon clearly resents Kate and Kate sees him as a bum! They need to get into counseling as quickly as possible and they both need to WANT to save their marriage and their family. As I watched the show last night, I couldn’t help but think that I was contributing to the demise of their marriage by watching and reading all the gossip online and in the grocery store aisle. So from now on, I refuse. I refuse to watch this family fall apart. I refuse to read the beyond the headlines.  What I will do with my time is pray for this family. Pray that God would guide them and restore their marriage. Their kids depend on it.

It’s things like this in the world that once again, remind me of the power of our God. He’s in the one in control. He knows our every breath, every step, every decision. He has already chosen the man for me and in HIS timing, not my own, He will reveal this man to me. I will continue to let Him be my leader and show me the ways He would have me go. I trust Him. He’s making me ready for when He’s ready. That’s what I’m waiting for.

post-election and other such non-sense November 6, 2008

Ok, so the election’s over right?? HA! Congratulations Barak Obama, our President-Elect. Good luck. May God’s guidance and hand be upon you from this moment on. You’ll need it. May your road and your path be just as difficult as every one of your predisessors. The whole world is watching. Be prepared.

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t feel united as a country. We’re pretty evenly split. John McCain took 48% and Obama took 52%. That’s a 4% different. Just above the margin of error. I am pretty critical and cynical of President-Elect Obama when he says things like how under his leadership we will be united as a country. I doubt that. The democrats might be united now, post Hilary-Obama feuding. But our country is more divided that ever. It’ll be an interesting 4-8 years on what policies he does follow through on, and what havoc is wreaked upon our contry and our world. I think the number one thing that bugs me the most about America’s obsession with Barak Obama is the fact that he has a celebrity-rockstar status. His campaign was almost 100% emotional and very little about the real issues. I highly doubt his capability as a leader. But nonetheless, I will support him. He is my President. That is my duty as an American. I am proud that we elected an African American. That’s pretty darn cool. But I think that we need to get past the race card and the campaign and move into the real issues and the battle for freedom that’s ahead.

However, I have no doubt that God’s will be done. For some reason, God wanted Barak Obama to win. That was pretty evident that He would win weeks ago. My question now is: what does this mean for us as a country? What is God trying to tell us?

My challenge is that we remember why we’re here. as a friend of mine said on his blog yesterday, “we’re here to be Jesus’ hands and feet.” So TRUE! We should be Jesus with skin on in a world where clothes are only a comodity. We should be the change and not just vote for it, because it’s something and someone different. We need to be active. Hebrews says that faith is living and active. let’s remember that in our actions to the world!! Let your faith and your values live through your life!!

It is my prayer that our Lord would continue to heal our country, guide us, protect us and reveal Himself to us. We need you now more than ever Lord. Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Amen.

busyness, boundaries and breaths of fresh air September 7, 2008

Ok, so I love to make up my own words! HA!  Anyway.. this has been one hell of a week. Seriously. It sucked. in more ways than one. Like, nothing completely life ruining or anything like that, but just constantly going, no down time, no space from work or people, no sleep, way too much to do to prep for Education Sunday, plus house sitting for a smelly dog and a 16 year old girl!! SHEESH! How much can one girl take in 1 week? It was only a 3 day week for me but it felt DECADES longer. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in a week!! UGH!

I have discovered 3 major things this week though:

1. as much as I want a puppy… i do not want to deal with it right now. So no puppy. I will resort to being lonely, since I do not have the time, energy or money to put into a dog right now. despite how much i do want one.

2. I give props to all parents of teeangers. Especailly teenage girls! LOL. I love my kids, my teenagers, but I get to send them home at the end of the youth event! Parents have to deal with them ALL THE TIME! HOW DO YOU DO IT!?!?!?! LOL… I know that when theyr’e my own flesh and blood it’ll be different, but I am so NOT ready to be a parent. To a toddler, let alone a teenager. I want kids desperately (one day, obvisouly, after the man and all), but I kinda want them to stay between teh ages of 0 and 12. Once they hit 13, it goes downhill from there. I’ll pick up at 17 again. I can handle that maturity. I can even handle the Jr High age… its’ the high school drama, the bitchyness, the complicated schedules, the boys, the sex lives, ugh. It just makes me fear for my own children. Now this isn’t just from one person or observation. this is my overall observation of my own life, as well as the experiences I have in Youth Ministry.

3. I have no boundaries. Seriously. It sucks. I used to have them. I used to never bring work home with me, and I still don’t except on the rare occasion. However, now, it’s the fact that I have some very high maintenance youth who need a good helping of healthy parenting, and notice # 2 above, I’m not ready for that. I let them walk all over me and I can’t ever say no!! It sucks! How do I change that? I think I need to take a lesson from the good ol CSP internship reading list of 3 years ago and reread the Boundaries book! And maybe even Boundaries with Teenagers.  I didnt have any time to myself this week. I was more than happy to help others and house-dog-teenager sit. That’s fine. But I missed my own bed. I missed my apartment. My SPACE! My office became my safe haven, and thus my CALLING starting feeling like a job. A boring, mundane, pointless job under mounds of paperwork and prep for a busy fall youth ministry season.

Until I heard Pastor Alan’s sermon this morning. Our calling becomes a JOB when we fail to see God in it. When we fail to seek Him and read His Word DAILY (Hourly even!). When we don’t remember that it is because of Him and HIM ONLY that we have the gifts and talents to be called in that calling anyway! My faith is my life…literally. I’m a teacher of the faith. If I’m not being fed spiritually myself, then how can I expect to see results in my youth as they are being fed by me?? It’s like an empty well trying to water a newly planted field! There’s no water to share since the well itself isn’t being replenished by it’s Master-Creator. That’s been me lately. It’s kinda funny though: last monday I started a new bible study. It has been MONTHS since i’ve done that. I occasionally pick up my Bible and read a few verses/chapters here and there, if there’s something I’m interested in exploring. But for me, reading my bible on a daily basis had become more of a chore and something that I didn’t do too often. So what happens when a chore is neglected? The trash piles up, the laundry gets stinky, and the bugs move in. Yup. that was me. So when I started the new bible study this week, exploring the pslams and keeping a Bible study journal with my thoughts and answers to the questions of the study, i thought that I would have an excellent week since i began each day in God’s Word and in prayer. WRONG! It takes a hellish week, even in the Word daily, to make you realize that you need God more than ever in those weeks. Imagine how much mroe horrific my week would/could have been had I not been in the Word at all! i shudder at that thought. So because of this, i intend to complete this study, it’s every week day for 6 weeks exploring a number of different psalms. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for my heart, my head, my emotions, my spirit and my life. He is the greatest Creator-Father-Master- Lover in the Universe and it is because of HIM that I have survived this week. And yet, I continue to need him desperately still and cling to Him always.

Here’s a bit of Bethany Dillon that truly expresses how I feel today…

All I Need by Bethany Dillon

When the day is done
And there’s no one else around
While I’m lying here in bed
You’re in my heart, You’re in my head
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You’re the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I’m surrounded
You are all I need if I’m by myself
You fill me when I’m empty
There is nothing else
You’re all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There’s a fire in my bones
I’m not afraid to go alone
You’re all I need
You’re all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You’re still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You’re all I need
You’re all I need

I’m drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

year books August 3, 2008

have you ever had one of those moments where you think “Is this really my life? is this where i saw myself being 10 years ago?”

i had that moment today. I was cleaning my guest bedroom in my apartment and I came across my old high school year books. I opened them and was reading and then it hit me. 10 years ago this fall I was a freshman in high school. I was starting the worst 4 years of my life. I was just a baby in life then. tear. lol… just seriously. I just had this moment today where I kept thinking if this is really where I wanted to be 10 years ago, and what would I change if i could. oh goodness. there is no clear answer to these questions.

well, i guess that no. this isn’t where I thought I would be 10 years ago. and yet, yes, it is. I knew as a 9th grader exploring the Concordia St Paul website that I wanted to get my degree from that university and I knew that I wanted to be a DCE or in ministry of some kind, whether it be professional or just a part of my life outside a career. I knew those things. And those things happened. I went to CSP, i spent 4 amazingly wonderful and traumatic years there. I learned more than I can even begin to describe. i am now a DCE doing mostly youth ministry and bits and pieces of other things. for this, I am glad. for this, i am thankful. for this… I am content. I do love what I am doing…most days. the past 2 months have been so incredibly chaotic that I can’t even think straight, let alone breathe. So getting sick and being down for the count for over 2 weeks was definitely God telling me to slow down and take a break and take care of myself. i don’t do that often enough.

this isn’t where i wanted to be 10 years ago because I’m not happy with me. yes, I’m happy with my job and my career and my professional life, but I’m not happy with ME. I have no social life. I don’t really have a hobby anymore. I’m overweight and definitely not happy about it. I’m single and DEFINITELY not content with my love life. I’d love to make more money and I’m DEFINITELY in debt over my head.

the hard part is this: i honestly think, that if i had the opportunity to change the past 10 years and do it all differently…. i wouldn’t change a thing. i wouldn’t change my majors or my academic track in college, i wouldn’t change my internship experience, i wouldn’t change sophomore year of college where a friend was raped in her dorm room across the hall where i slept. Of course i wish the awful, horrendous, traumatic things never would have happened. of course. But I also learned from all of them. I become a healthier person. I became a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better teacher and a better DCE because of it. Life gives you experiences that, good and bad, they teach you something. you may not always learn from your mistakes, but you definitely change somehow because of them. I wouldn’t change the growth that I’ve seen in myself.

if you meet the high school freshman Annie of 1998 and then the 2nd year DCE Annie of 2008, you wouldn’t recognize me back then. i’m a completely different person now, and for good reasons. I still have my personality and my littel quirks that we all have since birth, but I’m just… different. I’m cooler now. hahahha. as lame and self-centered and shallow as that sounds, it’s true. it just comes with age and life experience. I’ll be even cooler when I’m 34, 10 years from now.I think my biggest thing is that I don’t want to live my life with regrets. there are only 2 things I regret in my life right now, but I’ve seeked forgiveness for one and I’ve given forgiveness for the other. So my heart is at peace. But from this moment on, I don’t ever want to look back on my life and see regret or struggles or hardships that I resent. I want to see those struggles and trials as experiences that God allowed me to go through to learn something. to learn about myself, about my world, about my community, and most importantly, to learn more and grow closer to my God. For that, i have no regrets.

Twilight August 2, 2008

ok, so there’s this new book series, well, it’s not really new, but it’s new to me, called ‘Twilight’. It’s about this guy who’s a vampire and how he falls in love with the one person that he must drink her blood. creepy. i’ve never been into vampire stories before, but this one is HUGE in youth culture today, so i thought that i might read it and see what all the hype is all about. I’m on chapter 2 and so far i’m intrigued. I dont know if i would recommend this to my youth. that’s the problem. that when i read a book i want to recommend it. i want to recommend it and still preserve some of my Christian church-worker integrity as I do so. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that with this book. Now, i’m still going to read it and finish it and maybe read the sequels. But I’ll have to separate Annie-the-reader-and-lover-of-good-books from Annie-the-DCE-who-needs-to-recommend-parent-friendly-positive-fiction to her teenagers. There’s a difference there. Is that contradictory? I don’t know. Hmmm….. but yeah… I’ll read it until i find a MAJOR objection with the content or the creepiness of the vampire story. they do freak me out.

ear infections July 30, 2008

hello again! this is day two of the new blog and I think i like this thing!

ok, so i’ve been sick for the past 11 days. this seriously stinks. I have a double ear infection and mild tonsilitis. Seriously, the pain is awful. especially in my ears!! but at least I’m on antibiotics, right? they seem to be helping. today is by far my best day in these 11 days. i have more energy and i’m not nearly as tired. plus i seem to be back on my brain game. This illness has taken it out of me! I couldn’t think or talk straight and it was sooooo annoying!

now, along with this ear infection is the lack of hearing in my right ear. it hasn’t “popped” from altitude or anything else since I was on a plane last Friday coming home from vacation in St Louis. It hurt like the dickens then and I know that whenever it does decided to pop, it’ll hurt then! But, because it hasn’t popped, it feels like its plugged up. like a huge wad of cotton is stuck in the ear preventing any sound from entering my ear and flowing to my brain for processing. So, it feels like I’m deaf. which sucks. But, i must say, that when you’re confronted with the question of if you’d rather be blind or deaf, i definitely have to say that i would rather be deaf. I can handle being deaf. I can handle not being able to hear. it would suck not to hear music, but it would be ok, since I already know how to talk. being deaf and mute, yeah, i couldn’t handle that. but, i honestly cannont imagine life without my eye sight. Can you imagine not being able to see the beauty of Yosemite Valley as you drive through the tunnel? not seeing your husbands face? not seeing the joy of your children as they grow and learn and become? not seeing the nature that God created? not seeing love? seriously… talk about something that would suck. so, let’s just say that I have a whole new appreciation for my eye sight, and my hearing. I don’t want to be deaf, mind you, but if i could still sing. and somehow have someone tell me if i’m singing the right notes, that would be ok. But, i don’t ever want to be blind and not SEE the glory of God that surrounds me.

so what do you think? Deaf or blind?