3 weeks! May 30, 2006

Ok, so I go home for my big brother’s wedding in 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS! that’s crazyness! they’ve been planning this wedding for almost 18 months now and they’re finally getting married! WOOHOO!!! And the best part is that I get to go home and be a part of it. I’m so excited. As neurotic as I was about this wedding and the planning pieces last summer, I’ve seriously mellowed and chilled and realized that… i really dont care about the wedding. Its the marriage that’s important to me. I want them to be happy and grounded in the undeniable truth of the love of Jesus Christ. And they will be. I have faith in that.

ok, on another note… so, I’ve said it before… I want a man. I want someone to love me like Matt loves Dianne. I want to be wanted. It kinda sucks when you’re single, and living alone, and truly feeling alone. I know that I’m not alone and that Jesus loves me and he will never leave me. That’s another undeniable truth that I am more than willing to admit and completely believe in. However, I still WANT someone here with me. A real person. A guy who loves me for me and understands me, listens to me and doesn’t have a problem with my obsessions over TV and Hollywood and movies. Steph and I were talking about how he needs to understand that I will basically equate nearly every part of our relationship or our life to some aspect of TV or movies. I know, it’s twisted, but it’s true. Even last night, I equated my need to see the world and have my dreams and ambitions to Mandy Moore’s characters “Life List” in A Walk to Remember… remember that, she had a list of things she wanted to do before she died… I do too! But i’ve had mine longer than she’s had hers… here is a sampling of things from my list, in no specific order:

–Live in England/France/Ireland/Russia/Germany/ Europe in general
–Be in a Broadway musical (for at least 1 performance)
–get married
– be a mom
–be a grandma who spoils my grandkids to their parents horror (hehehe..it’s payback!)
– backpack through the Amazon rainforest
– record a CD of praise and worship music
–tour the country with a Christian band (preferably Caedmon’s Call or Steven Curtis Chapman)
– Meet the President of the United States (if he’s a republican)
– Meet the Queen of England and all of the Princes (William, I’m coming!!)
– design a dress and make it to actually fit someone and fit them well and be flattering
–pay my parents back for all of the money I’ve cost them
– change someone’s life
– be a DCE and actually see the light of Christ shine through my students, outside of the church
– teach high school english literature/drama
– learn how to correctly balance my checkbook and be above the hole, rather than in it
– live life without fear of rejection
– live to be 100 years old and sitll HOT and SEXY!
– graduate from medical school
–get a PhD in American History, specializing in the legacy of the First Lady’s
– walk on the Moon or another planet… be in space!

ok, so i’m just adding things on here, but you get the point. Those are all things I want to do with my life. But how can we do what God wants us to do and do what we want to do? Or can we at all? I want to be a DCE with all of my heart, but I want so many other things too. I want to have fun and live life to the fullest. I’m sick of just sitting somewhere and wondering what life would have been life IF… if what?

So, that’s my post for the day… what are your dreams, aspirations and ambitions? What are somethings that you’ve always wanted to do but never have the courage/money/time to do it?

Obsessions May 22, 2006

my recent obsessions really won’t surprise anyone, but here’s some interesting things about me… hahaha….
TV: Alias (It’s ending tonight, how sad is that???? )Lost (what’s up with the boat, eh?), ER (Is Abby dead or not??? OH NO!!), Desperate Housewives (the handyman CAN’T DIE!), West Wing (it’s really over isn’t it…)

Movies: Anne of Green Gables and the Road to Avonlea series… seriously, these are some of the best movies ever made… i watch Anne of Green Gables about once a month, i just can’t get enough of them… i want my own Gilbert Blythe!……

Books: Right now, the Narnia books, Da Vinci Code and anything by Liz Curtis Higgs or Kristin Billerbeck…

nuances: hahaha…. i have this thing with weird smells… the other night as i came home, the air around my apartment and neighborhood smelled like sour milk or something rotting… it was nast… so then, i had a dream about a dead body in the attic the house next door that is inhabited by Bradley frat boys… hahaha…

clothes: anything pink, black, blue or V-neck… i love the layered look, but the bohemian thing just makes me look larger…

hahaha

0k, so this was another meaningless post, but gives you little insight into my boring life at the moment

Survey May 13, 2006

thanks to Kim, here’s a survey…. something fun..

Here’s a fun survey that I came across from a friend:

I remember…

Decades
1982: umm..don’t remember it… my brother was 1 year old and I’m but a twinkle in my parents eyes…

1992: I was 8 years old… that would have been 3rd grade with Mrs Ducolon… i hated her (that was the year I learned the word that rhymes with witch–not good). I think this was the year of the Northridge earthquake….maybe that was 1994…i dont remember… hahaha

2002: High school graduation, Annie the musical (I played Miss Hannigan), Forensics with Mr Fanning, prom with Fonz, Starbucks and manicures with Jenny… my 18th birthday, mom and dad’s 25th wedding anniversary

High School
Freshman Year: breaking my foot while dancing on a tile floor, Richard Cory and Into the Woods, the black eye at halloween and being questioned by the vice principal on if I’m being abused at home, our house was robbed and the only things stolen from my room was my boombox with a WOW 1999 CD in it and my silver ring engraved with my confirmation verse.

Sophomore Year: Tennis with Melodie, daddy’s epilepsy, 2001 NYG interest centers team begins, meeting Josh, dating Daniel for 5 days (and having him stalk me afterward), learning to drive and then getting the Boat (that was my dad’s oldsmobile), fights with Janelle, meeting Jenny in summer school

Junior Year: tennis with Melodie, Little Women, 2001 NYG interest centers team continues, NYG in New Orleans, France trip with the Nagele’s, psychology with Mr Lentz, discovering that CSP exists

Senior Year: Annie the musical, no tennis, graduation, AP Crew (no tamales here), working at Christ-Brea, prom with Fonz, almost killing the racoon on First Avenue, holding a human heart in my hands (not a live one), dissecting Piggy

College
Freshman Year: meeting KAMI JO (she’s from Wisconsin! I had never met anyone from Wisconsin before!), and Kim and Jenna and Jodi and Lisa, and Jenn, and Bethany and Stephanie and Abby Jo…. Little Shop of Horrors and The Importance of Being Earnest, Bransford’s Psych classes, Luther 2 South!, Steve Donohoe and Jon Orr slept in my room, Kami and I being mad at each other, FISH, the two Mike’s, drinking my first alcoholic beverage, and realizing that CSP is a cool place to be…

Sophomore Year: being homesick, October 18 2003, Kami and I spring break-ing in Cali, working at Sears in brea over the summer, student senate, deciding if I want to be a DCE, struggling with my past and issues that presented, Our Town, Halloween with the Luther girls dresing up as the different states from the miss america pageant, singing in Aaron’s FISH band, meeting STEPHANIE!!

Junior Year: being an RA in Wollaeger, being floor mates with STEPHANIE!, being best friends with STEPHANIE, having my first kiss, Tom, having my own room, FISH with Matt and Amanda, getting calls at midnight from Jenna who’s drunk and says she ” really, really loves you!”, Starbucks and Caribou, Practicum at ESPL and CA, Rosedale Mall, Southdale Mall, MOA, Edina Galleria, Crossview Lutheran Fieldwork, Preintern year with Thaddeus, babysitting Collin, getting to know KIM better, my 21st birthday and living in Kim’s apartment behind Como park,

Senior Year: well, since it’s next year, but technically this is my senior year, i’ll make it all of my internship memories so far: not wanting to be in Peoria for a year, moving into my own apartment, working with super DCE Scott, Caving with JH, Ocean Springs Mississippi trip in January, learning how to survive on a small salary, learning how to survive living alone and with no social structure of people my own age, hating my SH girls, loving my SH girls, loving being a DCE and realizing this is just what God is calling me to do, Children’s Messages, handbells with Marty and the Keehners, SH retreat with Caroline aka “Elizabeth Bennett”, meeting other DCE’s who I admire, The Hersemanns and Andersons and Keehners, wanting to leave, Stephanie visiting, Mid Year Retreat!, fighting with Stephanie, not wanting to leave the awesome people i’ve developed relationships with…

well, thats the survey… enjoy! Peace in yo

moments May 8, 2006

Ok, so I’m stealing this from my friend Jayme’s blog…

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

adding a few of my own…

Loving moments, LOVE GOD
Questioning moments, SEEK GOD’s WISDOM
Empty moments, THIRST for GOD
Searching moments, DIVE into GOD’s WORD
Frustrating moments, SOAK in GOD’S PATIENCE
Needy moments, REST in GOD’S FULFILLING ARMS
Selfish moments, FOCUS on the CROSS
Angry moments, BREATHE in GOD’S CALMING PEACE

pure hell May 7, 2006

ok, so the past few days have seriously been like torture. I decided (not very wisely, btw) to pick a fight over something very little with my best friend. She has since not talked to me, emailed me, IMed me or anything…. I am constantly praying that we can resolve this. But soemthing inside of me tells me that the friendship we once had is gone forever. I can’t express how awful it feels to feel completely alone. I dont think I’ve ever felt this completely alone before. I mean, i’ve felt lonely… but nothing like this. It’s like… it’s like I was given this incredible, beautiful, awesome, amazing, inspiring gift and i treated it well for about 2 years, and then… i just go wacko and decide to burn it. That’s what I did. And it feels like it can never be recovered. I honestly don’t know what I would be like had I not met her sophomore year. My life would be completely different. She’s the best friend I’ve ever and will ever have. I am so blessed to have known her and to have the incredible privelege to call her my friend, even if it was for just a short time. The worst part of it is that I haven’t talked to her since thursday. I have no clue what’s going on with this. I dont know if she’s forigven me, I don’t know if she still hates my guts. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do and I’m completely at a loss, and as a result, I feel empty. I feel like a part of me has died, just thinking or knowing that I might never get this friendship back. It’s torture. Don’t ever do that to yourself.. dont ever ruin a friendship over something stupid and small and something that is completely useless. Just dont… that’s my advice to you.

All I can say is this… you know who you are, and you know that I’m sorry for what I said. I hope that we can somehow resolve this, but… i just don’t know. I don’t know if you have it in you to forgive me… yet again. I’m utterly sorry and I pray that you know how much I value our friendship. You also know that I am a very impatient person and I at least would like to hear from you. But… you may still hate me. So, ok. I’m over it now. I hope that, together, we can get back to where we were.

trying the picture thing again May 1, 2006