ok… so I’m testing this new thing…. i want to add a pic to my profile, but i dont know how to do it… we’ll see if this works…
so many thoughts…. April 24, 2006
ok, so this might get kinda long, or I’ll just make it two posts….
this past week I was in CA visiting with my fam. It was a great week. I needed it sooo incredibly much! It was an awesome time just to chill, shop, work on my tan (and get sunburnt) and visit with the ‘rents. But, despite how good it was, it also had me reevaluating some things. I dont know if I’m who I think I am. I mean, therapy has been great for me. I’ve discovered so many things about myself, but I don’t think I’m as far progressed as I think I am. this week was great because I spent more time with my future sister-in-law, and that was much needed. It was really weird living in my parents house without Matt being there. It was just…odd. Like, it’s not my house anymore. I mean, it’s the house I grew up in, and it will always be home to me as long as my parents live there, but its just not… home. Does that make any sense??
lately I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of grief. No one has died, thank goodness, but I’m grieving my childhood and everything I used to know. It’ s really scary to know what lies ahead and not know what God has instore for your future. It’s great, but it’s scary. I mean, just to know that everything you used to know is changed… it’s all different. People are getting married, having kids, and creating lives for themselves. They’re growing up. And you are too. It’s hard to watch your older brother grow up, when you know that he’ll be so happy. I’m envious of his happiness, and yet I know that I’ll be happy in a relationship one day too. It’s really got nothing to do with romance, as much as it has to do with growth and change. My best friend from home is getting married. I remember when I was so mad at her in 10th grade for stealing the guy that I liked, and he turned out to be a big jerk! But, ya know… it’s just… hard. To realize that as you move on and grow up to, that you’re leaving everything you once held close and loved behind. It’s not easy growing up. As much as I want to still be a kid (and thankfully, my parents let me be one at home sometimes) I too am eager to grow up and move on. I think that as much as I’ve been homesick, it’s not so much homesickness,… it’s loneliness. We’ll always be homesick. Until we reach our eternal Heavenly home, we will be homesick. Parts of me long for the day that Chrsit will come again and take me up to heaven with him. What an awesome day taht will be!! And yet other parts of me want to tell him to wait! I need more time here on earth to do the things I want to do: get married, have kids, develop my ministry, watch my kids grow up, and grow old with someone I love. the loneliness comes in when I dont have a support system my own age here. I cna’t just call someone up and say, hey let’s go out. I need that. I need that now more than ever. I’m going to miss these people so much. I’m going to miss Peoria, despite it’s smallness. I’m going to miss this church and it’s politics. I’m lonely already. I’ve always been lonely. It’s hard not to be lonely. I really have no clue what I’m saying…
lol… ok, i think the fact that I’m rambling and my mind is going in a million different directions is a sign that I need to go to bed. Good night yo… 
Sleep Well!
I honestly have no clue if this made any sense to anyone, but… oh well….
April 16, 2006
Bailey’s Irish Cream Liquer is the bestest stuff in the world. I mix it in lots of stuff now. These pictures are specifically of a Bailey’s, THin Mint Ice Cream Milkshake that I created… with lots of chocolate sauce for presentation… I love it! MMMMMMMMmmmmmm… 
myspace, love, and cars April 3, 2006
Ok, so… i am seriously addicted to myspace. i love this thing! it’s wonderful… and yet, it’s painful. reconnecting with people from the past is cool, but it’s kinda scary too. i’ve done some searching and have found some people that i once knew and now i don’t know who they are… it’s incredible how people change so much in less than 4 years. And then you get to thinking about how they got that way, and why you have become who you are. I am so incredibly thankful for having the family and friend support that i have. i dont think i would be who i am, as grounded in values, morals, beliefs and my faith, had it not been for my family and friends helping me through difficult times, interesting situations, and hard decisions. It’s those decisions that we make that really help to mold us into who we are. that’s really all life is… a serious of situations, problems, and decisions. how we react to the problems in our lives help us to develop character and become who God wants us to be. It’s not about us, it’s about Him. It has to be. it MUST be about the man who died on a cross to save us from ourselves. I am just so thankful for Him, and the blessings he has given me.
Ok, onto love… so, I’ve decided that I will fall in love, and it will be with an incredibly awesome guy. And i feel like i’m finally ready for a relationship… so God,… any time now. Thanks, greatly appreciated…
cars.. i want a new car. Mine sucks. i turned it into the mechanics a week ago and they still ahve it. it needs a new head gasket, a new headlight, new front breaks, and random other work. it’s costing my dad 1400$$$… that’s more than the car is worth. We bought it 2 years ago for 1000$. Seriously.. i think I’ll go car shopping online tonight. hehehe
ok.. thats it for now… on rock yo
