hi again February 22, 2006

Hello… ok, so I really dont think anyone reads this. Hahaha.. but what do i care anyway? I’m more rambling about my life than actually saying anything worth reading. Oh well. life goes on…

so, i began therapy today. Steve had suggested that I go to therapy to help me kick it up a notch in my professional life. I am beginning to agree. i can see where just talking about my problems nad actually putting an action plan into existence can help. I hope that i am motivated and kept accountable enough to be able to stick to it and actually help myself. i dont want to become dependent on therapy. i just need someone to talk to sometimes. sometimes it sucks being me and no one can change that but me. so, that needs to change.

ok. enough of that. night ya

February 20, 2006

This is me and Steph… I just downloaded BloggerBot to my laptop so now I can add pics to my blog! Woohoo!! 

DRAMA February 20, 2006

ok, so there’s alot going on in my life lately…

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! what is it about my life that just seems to exhude “DRAMATIC”?? theres drama at home in CA, drama in my own head, and drama at work…sickening. I’m just sick of the drama. I’m sick of people being inconsiderate and rude. I’m sick of people thinking that they’re better than everyone else. I’m sick of the fact that my own perceptions about the world around me are so damn twisted that nothing seems like reality. What is it about me that does this? it’s not like i do this to myself on purpose. it’s like i actually say to myself “what part of my life can i screw up today!”. No! I don’t get it. i’m not going to tell you the whole story because it’s a very long story and I’m sure you don’t really care anyway.

I’ve just realized that I am always so self-absorbed. I’m self-centered and sometimes, without knowing it, seem to think that I should always be the center of attention. I’m snobbish and I know that I’m better than some people. I tend to think that my opinion is always right and it’s the only opinion that matters. How hypcritical is that? I just said in the above paragraph how I’m so sick of arrogance and sel-centeredness from other people, when I’m really the one doing it. And i’m really sick of myself doing it. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just who I am. but i’m not proud of that. I don’t know why I do it.

So what do i do now? i apologize? i convince myself that i’m going to change? i dont know what to do anymore. i don’t want these feelings nad this extreme bitterness, anger, hate and hurt inside of me to be here any longer. there is so much healing that needs to go on inside of me. it’s funny how i can usually guide other people where to go for healing, but when it comes to myself, i don’t want anything to do with it. i mean, i’m not comfortable in myself, but i dont want to go seek out help or healing either. i want to feel like i’m ok, and i’m normal and not that i’m severely messed up, and need help. seriously, i feel bad for anyone that comes into contact with me because no matter what i do to help, it always screws things up even more.

ok, see where the dramatics come from? yeah, it’s me. It’s all me baby! hahaha… so not funny. i’m a very dramatic person, i exagerate, and minimize every problem until i really don’t know what’s real anymore. i fantasize about everything, trying to make it better than it is just so i dont have to deal with it and can run away. i run away from everything. why do you think i went to school in minnesota when i had the most beautiful landscape of all living in california??? i was running away. I wasn’t running away from anyone or anything, i was running away from my own problems in my head. i thought that a change of space and scenery would make everything go away and get better… but no, it just followed me to minnesota, and now they’ve followed me to illinois. sick.

ok, i think i’ve talked enough to myself on here. i hope you enjoyed this little peek into my brain and into what kind of thinking i have sometimes. it’ll get better this week… i’m seeing a therapist… yeah, i’m sure you can see why i need it…

thanks and keep me in your prayers this week… it’ll be rough

valentines day February 5, 2006

Ok, so it’s been so freaking long since i’ve posted anything on here… like over a month! oh well…. there’s actually been alot happening this past month. i went on my trip to Ocean Springs Mississippi for Hurricane Katrina relief. What an experience! It was truly an incredible trip. the devastation down there is unbelievable. you won’t understand until you see it. i had a blast getting to know tara, jared and the others who went with us. I will never forget that trip.
Then, last week, i headed to CSP for the interns midyear retreat. It was a blast. I enjoyed almost every minute of it. Steph and I got into plenty of fights, but oh well. We worked it out. We’re excstatic about going to Europe after graduation. My challenge will be saving the money needed to go at all. Seeing the interns was great too. Kami and I had talked alot and that was great. I missed her! it’s kinda funny how you don’t realize how much you’ve missed a person until you’re with them again for a short time. It was over all a great weekend. A nice time to sit and talk with steve too. I learned alot about myself and what needs to change when i get back to Peoria….

anyway… there’s another slight development in my life…. i’ve reconnected with an old friend. We were friends my freshman year of college and he liked me, and i told him that i didn’t want to date him. We never really talked that in deep for about 2 years, then last year we kinda reconnected a little bit, but mostly talking online. Now, we call each other almost every other day or so and just talk. mostly about random things. But we’ve each changed so much that it’s been great to be able to talk to a guy who knows me (pretty well, i might add) and knows what I want in life, and who knows about my faith. I’m glad that we’ve been able to reconnect. It’s been wonderful getting to know him better again.

ok, so i love anne of green gables. it’s one of my all time favorite movies/series. last night, i went to the mall and walked by sam goody which was closing and was having a good sale. so, i walked in intending to try to find the Wow 2006 cd, but instead decided to look at the dvd’s. thinking that they probably wouldn’t have it, I looked for Anne of Green Gables…..welll….. THEY HAD THEM! all three! i only had enough money for the first 2 dvd’s, so i bought anne of green gables nad anne of green gables the sequel (also known as anne of avonlea)… the continuing story will have to wait for a while…. but… I’ve been watching them ever since i got home. i can’t stop thinking about how i want and can’t wait for my own “gilbert”. I want a man! i hate how valentine’s day is such a commercialized and over pumped up holiday in our society and yet I still get depressed because i have to spend it alone. that’s just sick. why can’t i be confident enough in who i am and my singleness that i can’t get away from feeling lonely and depressed on this one day a year. i mean, i feel lonely and sad all the time since i live alone… but… sometimes i just want someone to cuddle with me on teh couch while watching a movie. someone to bring me flowers for no reason. someone to tell me that they love me, wackiness and all. oh well. i pray to god that that man will come. and come soon!!!

peace in yo… on rock