ok, so… i’m over it…. i just… am…. i can’t explain it… well, i can, but still… so I just realized that being compatible in a relationship is very important. We aren’t. No way… we would do nothing but fight and disagree and argue… i don’t want a relationship like that. so… i’m over it…
on another note… SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!! finally! sheesh!! so, yeah, i’m way addicted to Alias. Yeah, Jennifer Garner kicks butt.. But Michael Vartan is H-O-T HOT! hehehe… I’m on episode 11 of season 1. Yeah… I have 11 episodes left… then i have all 22 episodes of season 2 to watch at some point… this is going to be the best break ever! Plus, there’s free laundry… how awesome is that? hehehe.. I KNOW! I love it!
So, my life has cleared up lately. I don’t know why. It’s been a rough week. I’m finding I’m more transparents and vulnerable than I originally thought, but hey, you deal with what comes, right? Yeah… I’ve realized that I haven’t really dealt with my issues. I’ve hidden them. I’ve hidden from them. But I haven’t dealt with them and faced them. I need to face them. I need to face them before internship. So, the first step in that is this week. I will have plenty of me time and aloen time to really focus on me. I want to know who I am. I want to know what I want. I want to know what I need… I want to be really intune to who I am and why I am who I am. I want to be confident in that. And I know that with God’s help, I can be. and I will be.
Lord, you are an amazing beautiful gracious merciful loving Lord. I love you. I can’t express my true love in words. You know my heart. Make it pure. Make it beautiful. I don’t care what anyone else thinks… I only care what you think. And I know that you love me and think I’m beautiful. that’s all that matters. you forgive my sins, even when i dont deserve forgiveness. You do it anyway. When I see you face to face, I want you to say “well done, good and faithful servant”… That’s why I want to be a DCE. To serve you and your Kingdom. I want to please you with every aspect of my life. Lord, help me to do that. Help me to stay disciplined to do that and truly trust you with all of me.
I love you. Amen
Peace in yo
finally February 27, 2005
why do I always do this? February 21, 2005
ok… so… here’s the deal: there was a certain boy that I liked alot. I liked him more than I’ve liked most other guys. He’s a great guy and I wish that we were friends now.. but, wait… ok, so one night, we hung out and he kissed me and i thought it was going to turn out just fine… but, wait.. there’s more… so, we decide not to start a relationship (for reasons i still dont fully understand) and we were going to be “just friends”…the friend speech was coming from him…yeah, not coming from me. i didn’t want to be just friends. i wanted much more than that. I still want much more than to be just friends. i wanted to start a relationship because i thought that we could have something seriously special. but, i guess i was wrong. so, now more than 2 months have passed by and we’ve hardly spoken to one another. it’s not awkward or anything, since we’ve never allowed it the opportunity to be awkward… our so called friendship doesn’t even exist. I don’t even know what to call him anymore… so,… anyway…. tonight, i hear from the grapevine of people that he’s having girl problems… adn i was like, oh, maybe he’s thinking about me and la-tee-dah… (nope, that was wishful thinking)… so, I then decide to read his blog to see what he’s up to. and he says how undesirable and lonely and desperite he feels… well, dude. you brought that on yourself. you’ve had girls like you this year. you’ve had me, who’s liked you for a while now, and you didn’t think she was good enough or compatable enough. so, now you’re not even wanting to be friends with me… is that mature? is that a good thing? i dont know anymore. i jsut want to be rid of this. I want to stop feeling like it’s my fault that nothing happened between us. i want to stop blaming myself and God for making my heart break in a few more pieces. I want to get over this and find hope that I will have a boyfriend some day, that i will get kissed ( and it’ll be 100 times better) and that i’ll get married and have a family. I dont want to keep feeling so low on myself and upset that I dont have a boyfriend… i hate how i’ve had so many “almost” relationships… it’s like it is all my fault. they didn’t like me. is there something I should change about myself? i just once want a guy to tell me that I’m beautiful andfunny and mean it and really want to seriously date me… i just want that… i want it without the baggage, without the crap, without the rumors, without the small campus… I hate how my ideals nad my perfect man and my perfect date are so far removed from reality that I can’t even picture them anymore… i hate how i don’t think any of my dreams will ever be fulfilled, because they don’t exist in the first place! They aren’t REAL! Maybe I should jsut get over myself… maybe it is all me…. would somebody please tell me what i’m doing wrong because I honestly dont want to be doing the wrong thing for the rest of my life… then i’ll never get married… mabe im not supposed to get married… but then why do all of the ugly people in the world get married…. is that right people?? i dont think so… i mean, i don’t think I’m a supermodel, but I think I’m jsut as pretty as the average bachelorette you see out there… I may not be skinny or perfect, but I think I’m pretty damn cute! Is that wrong? I don’t think so! but, whatever… it’s late, i’m upset nad i need to get to bed…
peace in…
fakeness February 16, 2005
ok, so I hate it when people are fake. I realize that I too am fake sometimes. I think that being fake is so… hypcritical! No even when it relates to faith, but when it just relates to relationships nad friendships. I’ve recently been dealing with observing those around me and seeing who are the people on this campus who are my true friends. I don’t think I have as many as I thought. Last week at the dance, I dont think anyone even really cared that I was there. I mean, sure, some people thought that it was cool that I came and all and had a great time, but… they didn’t make an effort to have fun with me. But then again, it was a dance, which isn’t a great atmosphere for relationship building. I understand that. Still… I think that I can count on 1 hand (ok, maybe 2- but that’s still only 10 people) the people on this campus who REALLY know ME. Not many people do. And I doubt many have a desire to know. There are so many different people on this campus that I would LOVE to get to know better, but friendship isn’t a one way street. Sometimes it’s difficult in our fast paced society to build those relationships with the people we want to get to know better. I wish we lived in simpler times, and yet, I’m such a high maintenance girl (I need my blowdryer) that I can’t live without technology. However, thank God that we have a Savior who sees the true US. He sees our hearts. He sees who we are inside and out and he knows what we think. He sees the beauty all around us and within us. If only humankind were as compassionate and caring. We tend to get all wrapped up in the outside appearance and never look at the inner qualities. I too tend to get caught up in that. I think it’s interesting how the greatest love stories ever told (and the ones that lasted) are the ones that started with looking at the inner beauty of the person. The outside body withers away and decays, but the inner soul and passion and beauty of a person will always be there. That’s the essence of who they are. I just wish people would want to get to know me, the inside me. If I dropped off the face of the earth today, who would notice? Who would miss me? Probably only the people who really know me. And that’s not many people. I guess what I’m really struggling with is why do I have this need to get to know others so desperately? is it control? is it popularity? is it just because? why is it? I don’t know…. it’s something to think about.
God’s blessings on your day
