
do you trust me??
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re blowing things way out of proportion and you don’t really know how to change your perspective? Well, I’m there. Lately, God has been teaching me all about trust and stepping out in faith to let Him be in control. He’s been asking me if I trust Him. Now, I’ve talked about this a number of times. I am a serious control freak when it comes to my own life. Not necessarily my job though. If there is someone at work who can do something I’m doing better, go for it. I’m all for them taking it on. But when it comes to my life: love, family, home, etc, it has to be my way. I am very detail oriented, pretty much all the time anyway, but this is exacerbated when I feel like I am no longer in control of something. It’s kind of annoying actually. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.
Anyway, so I have this offer to live in someone else’s home, rent free, for a few months, before the buyers of their home move in after their house sells. This is a great offer! I can live somewhere for free and not have to worry about paying rent! I save money to buy my own home soon! What a blessing this is! It’s kind of funny how this happened, actually. I’ve been searching for a home for almost a year now. We haven’t found anything that I love that’s in my price range and isn’t snatched up by someone else almost immediately upon my discovery of it. I’ve been very down and just done with the whole process. So I’ve finally turned it over to God completely. I should have done it much much much sooner. But in my stubbornness, I didn’t. So yesterday, in staff devotions I asked for prayers for me and the housing process. And what happens a mere 4 hours later? A phone call with this rent free house offer. Seriously. No joke. There are no coincidences, only God incidences.
Now, as a result of this offer, I’ve been kinda apprehensive. I can’t place why. It hits me that it all goes back to my biggest fear: being alone. I don’t want to buy a house by myself. I don’t want to move by myself. I don’t want to have to deal with change by myself. I actually prayed this morning that God would give me a man so I wouldn’t have to be alone. Seriously. How pathetic is that? I don’t need a guy to deal with life. The man I marry should be someone who enhances my life, not necessarily someone who completes it. Remember Jerry Maguire, and that scene in the elevator with the deaf couple who are signing that he “completes me”. Ugh… seriously, no. I don’t need a guy to complete me. I only need God to complete me. And when He’s really complete with me will be the day that He comes back or when He calls me to my heavenly home.
I think my mom was right when she told me the other day that I need to grow up, be mature and make a decision on my own. So what if I’m out of my comfort zone for a few months. So what if I have to deal with myself and be alone for a while longer. So what if I actually save money, grow up, become and adult and make my life my own. I remember in high school my phsychology teacher telling me that at some point, usually after high school, before college, we all need to “make the break”. That means that we all need to break away from our family and childhood and high school lives and move on and become adults and grow up. We need to cut the umbilical cord. yeah, well, this is even more true for me. My family is very close to me. For the most part of my life, I have consulted them in pretty much every major decision I’ve ever made. They help me see things from a different perspective. They show me love unconditionally even when i do stupid things. My family is always there for me and I am incredibly grateful for that. I don’t think that they can necessarily cut the umbilical cord. I think that I need to. I think that I need to grow up. I think in a way, they’ve already done so. they’re just waiting on me to do it. I don’t think it’ll ever be completely severed until I do get married and have a family of my own, whenever that may be. But I can still grow up and use the experiences and opportunities that God is placing in my path as a way to move on and work through this and to grow up some.
I usually tell my kids to grow up and get over it. And sometimes I need a dose of my own advice. Sometimes, I need to trust God blindly, even when I don’t know what’s around the corner. Sometimes I need to listen for His voice and ignore my own, so that I can see the greatness of His plan for my life. Sometimes I need to take a risk (even when I really don’t want to) and step out in faith, and focus on what’s beyond the blindfold. The light at the end of the tunnel. There is something greater out there, and I know that Jesus has my back. I know that His plan is and will always be so much better than my own. I need to not focus on the blindfold, but focus on the Leader.
So God…lead me…mold me…direct me…comfort me…heal me…protect me…provide for me…guide me…and love me… because you are God and I am not. You are in control and it is in you that I place my trust. Remind me of who YOU are and what YOU are doing in my life every day. Help me to SEE you always and to forget my doubts. Help me to not focus on the blindfold, but to the focus on you, my leader…for you go before me in life and in death. Amen

) 
