it’s been a while… May 26, 2009

Wow.. has it really been almost 3 months since I’ve written on here? I’ve thought about blogging sooooo many times lately, but just never get around to it. It’s funny because so many things perk my interest and I think to myself “Hmm..i should write a blog about this”… but I don’t. And now, I can’t even really remember what they are!!! Oh well…

So lately, I’ve been thinking alot about the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’ve never wanted to go through life with regrets. I don’t have many, thankfully, but I have some. I’ve hurt some people unintentionally and intentionally that make me feel awful now, thinking about how I’ve treated some people in the past. And thinking that maybe some of my own issues are my own fault. Maybe I’m single because I really don’t want to be in a relationship. But that’s not true, because I do! I want to get married and have the big wedding and have a family. But I guess what I’m saying is that I’m more content to truly wait for the right one. Wait on God’s timing rather than jump the gun a bit and go on my own choosing. I’ve met some great guys lately, but none of them are really…for me. At least not yet. But I don’t know when the right time is, or who the right one is. And I’m truly more content than ever to truly WAIT patiently. I think that God is definitely teaching me a lesson on patience and control right now. Self control that I need to have more of, and less of a need to control everything else. Because when I control things and get my way, it tends to backfire in my face and hurt not only me but many others in the process. So, I’m sorry.

Ok, on a different note, but still connected…Does anyone out there watch Jon and Kate plus 8 on TLC?? The season premiere was last night and as I was watching it, my heart literally broke in pieces for this family. It’s so sad to watch. Jon and Kate are a couple in PA who have 8 year old twin girls and 5 year old sextuplets. I’ve loved the show up until the end of last season that just got…weird. Jon and Kate are having some serious marital issues, and every time I watch I just want to tell them to get into Christian marriage counseling as SOON AS POSSIBLE! They need it! They can still salvage their marriage. I don’t think that any marriage is truly DONE and over with, even at divorce, especially with kids involved. God designed marriage to be FOR LIFE. Now, I’m not saying that divorce is totally wrong, because it’s not. I see many situations where divorce is clearly the only alternative to eternal suffering and pain through emotional, phsyical abuse or whatever. I get that. But at the same time, these two people clearly loved each other at one point in time. Wasn’t it just a season ago that they went to Hawaii to renew their marriage vows? I loved that episode. It spoke of how they were truly willing to sacrifice for each other and their children. But now, all I see is true selfishness. It’s time to show  us that sacrifice.  Jon said he “needed a break for the weekend”… excuse me??? You don’t get a break from parenting! Kate, I appreciate that you’ve been dealing with this for over 6 months, but stop playing the martyr and the victim. An affair and a divorce NEVER comes from just one side. Both sides contribute. Jon and Kate are consumed with fame and fortune and doing “the right thing for their kids”, which they think is continuing the show to gain a substantial income and financially provide for them. I have a feeling that even if they ended the show, Jon got a job and Kate and continued to write books and go on the occasional book tour, they’d still be set financially. But they spend their money on sportscars (did you see the one Jon got out of at the park?) and expensive trendy clothes. I know that they want the best, but there comes a point, especially in this economy that the best thing to do for your children, your family, YOUR MARRIAGE, is to stop being in front of America and truly focus on your marriage. The best thing for these kids are two healthy parents who clearly love each other and positively communicate it in front of their children. Nothing changes family dynamics and the health of the children in the future more than two consistent, Godly, positive, loving parents. So here’s my advice: get marriage counseling, separate and together, to really work out your issues. Don’t use the couch and interviews on the show to be your “therapy time”. Get your kids into counseling, because pretty soon they’re gonna know everything that’s going on (as if they don’t already), and are going to feel like your potential separation and divorce is their fault. Jon clearly resents Kate and Kate sees him as a bum! They need to get into counseling as quickly as possible and they both need to WANT to save their marriage and their family. As I watched the show last night, I couldn’t help but think that I was contributing to the demise of their marriage by watching and reading all the gossip online and in the grocery store aisle. So from now on, I refuse. I refuse to watch this family fall apart. I refuse to read the beyond the headlines.  What I will do with my time is pray for this family. Pray that God would guide them and restore their marriage. Their kids depend on it.

It’s things like this in the world that once again, remind me of the power of our God. He’s in the one in control. He knows our every breath, every step, every decision. He has already chosen the man for me and in HIS timing, not my own, He will reveal this man to me. I will continue to let Him be my leader and show me the ways He would have me go. I trust Him. He’s making me ready for when He’s ready. That’s what I’m waiting for.

teenagers and boundaries March 1, 2009

So once upon a time there was once this thing called propriety. hahahaha… maybe i’ve been watching too many Jane Austen movies based off her books! Anyway, there was a way to behave in public with your “significant other” or “intended” or “betrothed”. Well it seems like the 21st century has blown those rulse out of the water. Seriously. When did teenagers not understand that there are things that you cannot do during youth group? Like… sit on your boyfriends lap. or leave Bible Study without telling anyone. or be in your girlfriends tent in her sleeping bag on a camping trip? SERIOUSLY people! when did parents stop doing their job and teaching their kids how to behave with members of the opposite sex? are parents ill-equipped to deal with these things? or are they just blind? I love my kids to death (and granted, not all of the above has happened, but it’s possible!!! I was exaggerating a bit!) but sometimes I hate having to be their youth leader and their parent. Sometimes it’s just annoying to have to be almost 25 years old and parenting a bunch of 17 year old babies!!!!

ugh. Oh well… i guess it comes with experience, huh? in how you deal with these situations??? What words do you say to a 17 year old girl or a 15 year old boy, who really do not know how to behave in church or youth group or public with their bf/gf?? Any advice?

My List January 25, 2009

Have you ever really contemplated your life? Like, is this all there is? What if I do absolutely nothing spectacular with my life. What if my dreams go completely unfulfilled? What will make my life “complete”?

Well, I contemplate them quite often. I’m always wondering where God is leading me next and if what I’m doing is really what He wants me to be doing. I get so angry and upset when things don’t go the way I planned them or the way I dreamed them happening. I couldn’t sleep tonight, it’s now almost 1am, and as I was watching PS I Love You tonight and that movie, within 15 minutes, ALWAYS makes me cry. But it also makes me think. Hilary Swank’s character “Holly” is such a planner and a controller that she feels she always needs a plan. I can so relate! I’m always making plans for myself and dreams for my future. I always have a task list of things to do each day. Some days they’re more important that they be completed, and others not. So after watching most of this movie that I love, I’ve decided to resurrect my “List” of things I want for my life, and put it up for anyone to see. This is a glimpse into who I am and what I want most of this one life that God has blessed me with. They are in so specific order. Just things I want to do, see, experience, feel, live and be.

1. I want to know what it feels like to fall in love; to love and be loved in return. Not the love of my Savior, because Jesus already shows me that kind of love through His death and resurection, but the love of a man, a spouse, someone to share my life with and start a family with.

2. I want to travel: I have always wanted to travel around the world. Ever since I was in French 1 in High School, and even more so after I went to France when I was 17. I want to go to London, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Russia, China, Taiwan, Thailand, Africa, Prague, Sweden, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, Auckland, Hawaii… I want to experience being at the top of the Eiffel Tower and looking as far as I can out on the brilliant beauty of Paris. I want to experience the joy of seeing a pack of kangaroos hop across the Australian outback wilderness. I want to stand on the moors of England where Emily Bronte imagined Wuthering Heights. I want to feel the irish wind in my hair as I stand atop the cliffs of Galway soaking in the sunshine. I want to see the great and beautiful earth that my Creator designed.

3. I want a family. I want to have children. yes, I already have names picked out, but I know they will change. I want to see them grow up and learn about Jesus in Sunday School and wrestle with their faith and understand the ultimate sacrifice their Savior paid for them. I want to see them get married and have families of their own.

4. I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I want him to be healthy enough to see me and give me away to the love of my life. I want to be able to dance with him at the reception. I want my Daddy to see his grandchildren and meet them and get to know them. I never knew my mom’s father, who died shortly after they were married. I want my kids to know who their grandpa is and how much he loves them and how he is an incredible man of God, with many gifts and talents and so much life left to live.

5. I want to see my students grow in their faith. I want to be at a church long enough to see them wrestle, grow and mature in their faith, to be spiritual leaders in their families and future congregations. I want them to be able to internalize their faith and truly see what grace and mercy and peace and trust is all about. I want them to not just know, but believe, to the core of their being that Jesus Christ, true man and wholly God, died on the cross to forgive them of their sins, and rose from the dead to conquer sin and death. To truly get it. I want to be there to see the lightbulb come on.

6. I want my best friend to continue to follow her heart and soul in ministry. I want her to be near me, yes, of course, but i know that’s not where God wants her. I want her to follow God’s lead and his direction, as she always has.  I want her to continue to see what amazing things God is doing in her heart and through her talent and desire to share the Good News with the world.

7. I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight and be healthy and look healthy, inside and out. I don’t want to have to worry about my health any more. I don’t want to have regrets that I die at a young age because I didn’t care of myself when I should have. I want to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally.

8. I want to eat more chocolate a (but without the guilt! hahahah) nd life live to the fullest.

9. I want to write a book. A novel about faith and life and love and what it truly means to me, to be a child of God. A book from my heart, that hopefully will touch the heart of someone else.

10. I want eliminate all addictions from my life: Starbucks, facebook, whatever. Just get rid of them so that they are no longer true addictions. Obviously, these are not major addictions, but still. It gets in between me and my Lord, and that’s not good.

11. I want to begin and end my day with complete trust and knowledge that God is in control. I usually start my day like this, but it tends to waver throughout the course of the day. I want to know and trust no matter what. I know that I’m not in control, despite how much I might want to be.  I want my own faith life to continue to grow and mature with what it means to have someone die for me. To have God die in my place. Because that’s what He did, and sometimes it all seems a little too surreal. But it happened. I know that to the core of my being.  I want to fully and wholly, completely and unrelentingly, gratefully and changingly, give my entire being over to my Savior. Of course, this is a daily occurance, and as scripture says, we daily die to sin and live a new life in Christ. Each day He gives us a new lease on life, because it’s another day that we get to live and love and show others His love. I want to show that kind of love to others, and not be as sinful and prideful and selfish as I am.

So there… that’s a glimpse into some of the many things that I want out of life. Of course, there are more. But that should give you a little tidbit.

May the Lord of life and love, the Creator of the Universe, the Father of all Nations, the Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, guide you and bless you, lead you and forgive you, love you and daily remind you of the love He has for you. May you continue to open your heart and mind to what He tells you and shows you and teaches you and blesses you. Amen.

Immanuel…God With Us December 8, 2008

“Oh Immanuel, God With Us

Spirit Revealed in us,

That we may be Your Hope to the world

Oh Immanuel, God with us,

A Light to break the darkness

That we may show Your Hope to the world

Immanuel, be God with us!”

Wow..what a strong proclamation. What a statement of faith. Immanuel. God is with us. Jesus. here. on Earth. He came as a little baby. A mere man. But no… he wasn’t just a man. He was divine. He was Immanuel. God WITH US. God IN US. Jesus resides in my heart and because of Him I know I have eternal life. Because of a little babe, who had humble beginnings, and a tragic, yet glorious ending.  He lived, loved and died full of glory, majesty and compassion. Wow. What a life. What a God we love and serve!!

I am so thankful to be able to proclaim that I love my Lord, Jesus Christ. Seriously. I have life. I have a heart that beats (usually in a regular rhythm!), a brain that works (most of the time!), a love for people, and a passion for Jesus. It is because of Him that I exist. And yet, why do I still have such anxious thoughts and busyness plaguing my heart and soul. I’ve recently realized how much my life is filled with constant anxiety about one thing or another. Finances, family, my health, my weight, my lack of a love life, my friends, my youth, my church family, my career, God’s plan for my life.  This anxiety can be overwhelming to say the least. But I think I have also realized that most of what I’m anxious about, I have absolutely no control over. I can’t worry about where God wants me, because He will make it known to me in His time. I can’t stress over being single, because He will guide me to the man He wants me to be with in HIS TIME. Not my own. There are some things that I just cannot control, by my own strength. He will guide and direct me. I need to take my own advice and let it go and pray about it and let it go. Leave it at the foot of the cross. He will not abandon me to the depths. He will give me rest. He always does. Because He loves me. And I love Him in return. Because He first loved us.

As you know, i love exploring new music. My 2 favorite songs this Christmas are  “Immanuel God With Us“, by Point of Grace,which is excerpted above, and MercyMe’s “Joseph’s Lullaby“. Amazing. Click on the songs above and you’ll get video of them that I found on YouTube. Enjoy. And Merry Christmas.

post-election and other such non-sense November 6, 2008

Ok, so the election’s over right?? HA! Congratulations Barak Obama, our President-Elect. Good luck. May God’s guidance and hand be upon you from this moment on. You’ll need it. May your road and your path be just as difficult as every one of your predisessors. The whole world is watching. Be prepared.

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t feel united as a country. We’re pretty evenly split. John McCain took 48% and Obama took 52%. That’s a 4% different. Just above the margin of error. I am pretty critical and cynical of President-Elect Obama when he says things like how under his leadership we will be united as a country. I doubt that. The democrats might be united now, post Hilary-Obama feuding. But our country is more divided that ever. It’ll be an interesting 4-8 years on what policies he does follow through on, and what havoc is wreaked upon our contry and our world. I think the number one thing that bugs me the most about America’s obsession with Barak Obama is the fact that he has a celebrity-rockstar status. His campaign was almost 100% emotional and very little about the real issues. I highly doubt his capability as a leader. But nonetheless, I will support him. He is my President. That is my duty as an American. I am proud that we elected an African American. That’s pretty darn cool. But I think that we need to get past the race card and the campaign and move into the real issues and the battle for freedom that’s ahead.

However, I have no doubt that God’s will be done. For some reason, God wanted Barak Obama to win. That was pretty evident that He would win weeks ago. My question now is: what does this mean for us as a country? What is God trying to tell us?

My challenge is that we remember why we’re here. as a friend of mine said on his blog yesterday, “we’re here to be Jesus’ hands and feet.” So TRUE! We should be Jesus with skin on in a world where clothes are only a comodity. We should be the change and not just vote for it, because it’s something and someone different. We need to be active. Hebrews says that faith is living and active. let’s remember that in our actions to the world!! Let your faith and your values live through your life!!

It is my prayer that our Lord would continue to heal our country, guide us, protect us and reveal Himself to us. We need you now more than ever Lord. Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Amen.

Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser and other musical snacks October 3, 2008

here’s Brooke Fraser with Shadowfeet:

here’s Meredith Andrews with You’re Not Alone:

Here’s Brandon Heath with Give Me Your Eyes:

Here’s a clip from Fireproof! An AWESOME MOVIE!! GO SEE IT!! 

Here’s Warren Barfield’s Love is Not a Fight, which is in the movie Fireproof:

Here’s John Waller’s While I’m Waiting:

New Music! October 3, 2008

Ok, so its been a while since i posted on here! Life has been so busy i can’t even begin to explain that! Anywya… ive been exploring alot of new music lately. I’ve spent way too much money on itunes, but i cant help it! I needed it! LOL! )

Ok, so here’s some of my newest music discoveries:

John Waller: The Blessing…. AMAZING! I love the song While I’m Waiting. It’s my new life theme. Seriously. It’s insanely good. Insightful lyrics with catchy tunes.

Meredith Andrews: The Invitation. I’ve always loved her, but this is just beautiful. Mellow and poignant at times and catchy and upbeat at others. Makes you think. I like it

Brooke Fraser: Albertine… her song Shadowfeet is AWESOME! I can’t stop singing it and it’s truly how i feel about my relationship with Christ right now. Seriously, it’s just wonderful. I’ve posted the video to Shadowfeet on here. I love it

Brandon Heath: What If We… his 1st CD was awesome and this one is excellent as well. I love the song Give Me Yoru Eyes.. about how how he wants God to give us His eyes to see the brokenhearted and to see things around us that we’re usually too busy to notice. I love it!

Lincoln Brewster: This is the Day… awesome Worship leader! I’ll get to see him at the National Youth Workers convention next week. I can’t wait!!!

Joel Auge… i saw him at Bayside last week and he’s incredible. His song Out on the Blue is wonderful! LOVE IT!

So that’s a recap. Check it out for yourself. Myspace is my favorite place to go and listen to new music for free, and you get teh whole song. Go to these artists’ sites. Enjoy!

In other news… the weather is finally turning into fall!!! YAY! its raining today and that makes me very very happy!

:) September 12, 2008

so im back from the DCE retreat and it was sooo incredibly wonderful to connect with old friends and some new ones. it helped me to refocus my life in ministry and to realize that if I’m not being fed spiritually, how can I feed others. Now this is a truth that i’ve known all along, but just never seem to constantly learn and live out. Hmm… maybe I should change that? yea… i think so….

I also discovered that I have over 200 pictures in my camera from the summer and I haven’t posted them anywhere, let alone gotten them off my camera! LOL. so you might be seeing some new pictures soon.

Oh… and once again, I love The Office. Season 4 is out on DVD. yes, I bought it. Yes, i’m watching it on netflix. and yes, i will watch it again once it finally arrives from Amazon.

Nighty night!

busyness, boundaries and breaths of fresh air September 7, 2008

Ok, so I love to make up my own words! HA!  Anyway.. this has been one hell of a week. Seriously. It sucked. in more ways than one. Like, nothing completely life ruining or anything like that, but just constantly going, no down time, no space from work or people, no sleep, way too much to do to prep for Education Sunday, plus house sitting for a smelly dog and a 16 year old girl!! SHEESH! How much can one girl take in 1 week? It was only a 3 day week for me but it felt DECADES longer. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in a week!! UGH!

I have discovered 3 major things this week though:

1. as much as I want a puppy… i do not want to deal with it right now. So no puppy. I will resort to being lonely, since I do not have the time, energy or money to put into a dog right now. despite how much i do want one.

2. I give props to all parents of teeangers. Especailly teenage girls! LOL. I love my kids, my teenagers, but I get to send them home at the end of the youth event! Parents have to deal with them ALL THE TIME! HOW DO YOU DO IT!?!?!?! LOL… I know that when theyr’e my own flesh and blood it’ll be different, but I am so NOT ready to be a parent. To a toddler, let alone a teenager. I want kids desperately (one day, obvisouly, after the man and all), but I kinda want them to stay between teh ages of 0 and 12. Once they hit 13, it goes downhill from there. I’ll pick up at 17 again. I can handle that maturity. I can even handle the Jr High age… its’ the high school drama, the bitchyness, the complicated schedules, the boys, the sex lives, ugh. It just makes me fear for my own children. Now this isn’t just from one person or observation. this is my overall observation of my own life, as well as the experiences I have in Youth Ministry.

3. I have no boundaries. Seriously. It sucks. I used to have them. I used to never bring work home with me, and I still don’t except on the rare occasion. However, now, it’s the fact that I have some very high maintenance youth who need a good helping of healthy parenting, and notice # 2 above, I’m not ready for that. I let them walk all over me and I can’t ever say no!! It sucks! How do I change that? I think I need to take a lesson from the good ol CSP internship reading list of 3 years ago and reread the Boundaries book! And maybe even Boundaries with Teenagers.  I didnt have any time to myself this week. I was more than happy to help others and house-dog-teenager sit. That’s fine. But I missed my own bed. I missed my apartment. My SPACE! My office became my safe haven, and thus my CALLING starting feeling like a job. A boring, mundane, pointless job under mounds of paperwork and prep for a busy fall youth ministry season.

Until I heard Pastor Alan’s sermon this morning. Our calling becomes a JOB when we fail to see God in it. When we fail to seek Him and read His Word DAILY (Hourly even!). When we don’t remember that it is because of Him and HIM ONLY that we have the gifts and talents to be called in that calling anyway! My faith is my life…literally. I’m a teacher of the faith. If I’m not being fed spiritually myself, then how can I expect to see results in my youth as they are being fed by me?? It’s like an empty well trying to water a newly planted field! There’s no water to share since the well itself isn’t being replenished by it’s Master-Creator. That’s been me lately. It’s kinda funny though: last monday I started a new bible study. It has been MONTHS since i’ve done that. I occasionally pick up my Bible and read a few verses/chapters here and there, if there’s something I’m interested in exploring. But for me, reading my bible on a daily basis had become more of a chore and something that I didn’t do too often. So what happens when a chore is neglected? The trash piles up, the laundry gets stinky, and the bugs move in. Yup. that was me. So when I started the new bible study this week, exploring the pslams and keeping a Bible study journal with my thoughts and answers to the questions of the study, i thought that I would have an excellent week since i began each day in God’s Word and in prayer. WRONG! It takes a hellish week, even in the Word daily, to make you realize that you need God more than ever in those weeks. Imagine how much mroe horrific my week would/could have been had I not been in the Word at all! i shudder at that thought. So because of this, i intend to complete this study, it’s every week day for 6 weeks exploring a number of different psalms. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for my heart, my head, my emotions, my spirit and my life. He is the greatest Creator-Father-Master- Lover in the Universe and it is because of HIM that I have survived this week. And yet, I continue to need him desperately still and cling to Him always.

Here’s a bit of Bethany Dillon that truly expresses how I feel today…

All I Need by Bethany Dillon

When the day is done
And there’s no one else around
While I’m lying here in bed
You’re in my heart, You’re in my head
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You’re the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I’m surrounded
You are all I need if I’m by myself
You fill me when I’m empty
There is nothing else
You’re all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There’s a fire in my bones
I’m not afraid to go alone
You’re all I need
You’re all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You’re still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You’re all I need
You’re all I need

I’m drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

test August 16, 2008

ok, so I’m just testing how to insert pictures into posts here. Hmmm….. let’s see if this works! This is a pic of my brother Matt, me and his wife, Dianne at my graduation from Concordia University, St Paul, MN in May 2007.